Jason Crow Heroically Vows to Save the Planet by Breathing Less

In a stunning display of Political Agenda Pivoting 101 on wild display, the cowardly Colorado Congressman, Jason Crow, has officially abandoned the failed “Overthrow Democracy” mission impossible to fully embrace mankind’s greatest and most pressing emergency at hand with open arms. What's the emergency, you ask? Well, apparently someone, somewhere, might have to turn down the thermostat a degree or two in 2078.

From January 6 to The Seditious Six to Half Past 6

Insiders report that Crow woke up in the morning, looked at his calendar, realized the whole “sedition” thing was attracting more subpoenas than campaign donations, and immediately, he pivoted to the one movement guaranteed to pay dividends forever and ever: climate change panic. “Look, overturning an election is so hard these days, let's just pretend it never happened and hope it goes away. Oh, would you just look at all that sun. Tisk, tisk," we imagine he's saying. Well, at least that's what his actions are saying... Out loud and everything. But, don't tell him that! He might actually start titty-babying.

The Revolutionary 47-Point Climate Plan—That Somehow Costs $47 Trillion

Crow’s new signature legislation, boldly titled the “Make Energy So Damn Expensive That Poor People Spontaneously Combust" Act, promises net-zero emissions by lunch tomorrow if Americans just simply agree to live like sheep, but with mandatory iPhones, just not the ones with AI. Highlights include taxing crows for sharing his name, mandating solar panels on submarines and fighter jets, and replacing gasoline with Flintstone styled foot-pedaling cars on all commutes.

Emotional Press Conference With Actual Tears (From Liberocrats)

At the rollout event, Crow choked back his tears as he described the horror of all his wildly deranged Trump suspicions instead of sticking to his printed agenda outline he's somehow crumpled up in all his big orange angsty-angst. “I, for one, refuse to let the most awful president in the entire world threaten me,” he whined, "and we need to stop him, because he called me names and said I'm gay in all them memes. He's a bully!"

And For Our Next Trick: Sedition, But This Time With Solar Powered Windmills

Don't forget about Mark Kelly. He's not letting this one go either. In fact, he's holding on for dear life, and he's flying to the moon by the seat of his pants, "and damnit, I'm taking you all with me," he decries. “At least I flew to the moon and wore this NAVY outfit. What did you do? Huh? I didn't think so,” Space Commander Kelly says... in so many words on X. Fresh from lecturing the plebes about 'carbon footprints' while his staff pretends to care and takes notes, Sir 'Anti-Machine-Gun' Kelly now demands the entire country respect the fact that he disgraced the uniform simply by using it, and all his battle of the bulge medals, just for clout. This is typically where you'd insert Rodney Dangerfield in disblief and saying to the camera, "No respect."

The Future Is Bright, But, Not Too Bright, and That’s Bad for the Planet—We Think

As Crow and Kelly boarded their private jets to the next climate conference in some far off distant galaxy—fueled by mistreated Martians shoveling space-coal (it's cleaner—because it doesn't exist) into their anti-gravity inferno of a rocket furnace, they left Americans with this stirring message: “Together, we can bankrupt ourselves into a greener, more equitable space age where the only thing warmer than the planet is a donor list and this g*damned white coat with all these mother f*cking medals, just look at how they shine.” This is truly the borderless pipe-dream agenda having numbnut leaders that we need to take charge of our country, because, we don't really want a Golden Era after just getting out of the dark age. Amirite?