The Stalactite Caucus: Time to Chip Away at These Political Fossils

Oh, look, it's another day in the grand theater of American politics, where the same faces have been clinging to power longer than a bad sequel franchise. @prestrahan sends his regards, folks—he says you're all hanging around like a bunch of stalactites, dripping slowly into irrelevance while the cave collapses around you. And honestly, who can argue? These career politicians have turned public service into a lifetime subscription service, complete with perks that would make a rock star blush. But guess what? The vouchers for free parking in the halls of power? Expired. We're building anew, washing the linens, and these shitstains on the fabric of democracy are finally getting the spin cycle they deserve.

Mitch McConnell: The Eternal Obstructionist

Mitch, you've been in Congress since the dinosaurs roamed—or wait, that was you, wasn't it? Forty years of masterful gridlock, turning the legislative process into a game of "who can filibuster longest without blinking." Common sense says: f*** off and retire, because at this point, you're less a leader and more a museum exhibit on how to say "no" in 50 different ways. Your road to ruin? Blocking everything from healthcare reform to judicial nominees unless it suited your party's whims, leaving the country stalled like a bad Uber in rush hour. Impactful? Oh, Mitch, this article's your pink slip—your legacy's already crumbling faster than your poker face during a debate.

Hillary Clinton: The Email Queen of Endless Scandals

Hillary Clinton, the perennial power player who's dodged more scandals than a cat has lives—private email servers, Benghazi bungles, and that Clinton Foundation cash grab that smelled fishier than a week-old tuna salad. You've been staining society's fabric since the '90s, turning public service into a family business while preaching from your Chappaqua mansion. Common sense: kindly f*** off from any whiff of office or influence, because after decades of deleted emails and dodgy dealings, you're less a leader and more a cautionary tale in hubris. Road to ruin? Peddling access for donations, mishandling classified info like it's junk mail, and leaving a trail of investigations that wasted more taxpayer dollars than your campaign war chests. This article's just the latest scrub—your vouchers for political relevance? Shredded and flushed. For the love of God, step aside and let the linens air out without your perpetual shadow.

Nancy Pelosi: Queen of Insider Perks

Nancy, you've mastered the art of the insider trade—er, I mean, the well-timed stock tip—while preaching equality from your San Francisco ivory tower. Decades in, and what's the score? A polarized chamber where bills go to die in committee, all while you rake in donor cash like it's Black Friday at Tiffany's. Common sense: step aside, because your "progressive" facade is thinner than your latest Botox session. Road to ruin? Turning bipartisanship into a punchline, overseeing spending sprees that ballooned the debt without fixing a damn thing. This shredding? Consider it the end of your era—your vouchers? Revoked. We're airing out the House, and your scent of entitlement is the first to go.

Steny Hoyer: Pelosi's Longtime Sidekick in Stagnation

Steny Hoyer, the Maryland mainstay who's been glued to Pelosi's hip in Democratic leadership since the Stone Age—or at least the '80s. You've climbed the ranks as her trusty No. 2, whipping votes for agendas that kept the status quo comfy for insiders. Common sense: kindly f*** off from Congress, because after 40+ years, you're the embodiment of why nothing changes—endless terms, insider perks, and zero fresh ideas. Road to ruin? Cozying up in the triumvirate with Pelosi and Clyburn, pushing corporate-friendly policies while the middle class gets squeezed. This shredding? Your voucher's expired, Steny; drip off like the stalactite sidekick you are, and let the linens air out without your perpetual presence.

Hakeem Jeffries: The Anointed Successor Spinning the Same Wheel

Hakeem Jeffries, Pelosi's handpicked heir to the House Democratic throne, stepping in as leader like it's a family business handover. You've been her protégé, echoing the party line from Brooklyn to the Beltway. Common sense: step the f*** out before you fossilize too, because succeeding a career politician just means more of the same gridlock and grandstanding. Road to ruin? Riding Pelosi's coattails into leadership, defending the old guard while progress stalls on everything from housing to healthcare. Impactful? This article's your early warning—your stain's already setting; for the love of God, exit before you're just another shitstain on democracy's fabric.

James Clyburn: The Whip Who Cracked for the Establishment

James Clyburn, the South Carolina stalwart and Pelosi's partner in the leadership trio, whipping the caucus into line for decades. You've been the kingmaker, boosting Biden and keeping the moderates in check. Common sense: f*** off into retirement, because after 30 years, your "experience" is code for entrenchment, blocking bolder voices. Road to ruin? Aligning with Pelosi on corporate bailouts and watered-down reforms, leaving Black communities underserved despite your rhetoric. Shredded here—voucher revoked; time to whip yourself out of office and let the new wave wash away the relics.

Adam Schiff: Pelosi's Impeachment Lapdog

Adam Schiff, the California camera-chaser who's been Pelosi's go-to for investigations and impeachments, turning oversight into a spectacle. You've parlayed her mentorship into a Senate run, but your record's as scripted as your monologues. Common sense: get the f*** out of the game, because endless probes without real accountability are just theater for donors. Road to ruin? Leading the charge on Russia probes and impeachments under Pelosi's wing, distracting from domestic failures like inequality. This blunt roast? Singeing your ambitions—your Pelosi-tied stain? Fading in the spin cycle.

Jerry Nadler: The Committee Chair Chained to the Past

Jerry Nadler, the New York veteran who's chaired Judiciary under Pelosi, overseeing impeachments and antitrust show trials. You've been her reliable ally, blocking reforms that threaten the elite. Common sense: pack it up and f*** off, because 30+ years of judicial gamesmanship have left the system more broken. Road to ruin? Collaborating with Pelosi on partisan battles while ignoring subway breakdowns back home. Impact? Your career's torn—voucher voided; drip off, relic, for the love of God.

Maxine Waters: The Financial Services Firebrand Turned Fixture

Maxine Waters, the LA legend who's chaired Financial Services under Pelosi, railing against banks while cozying up to them in private. You've been her fierce defender, but your longevity's a liability. Common sense: step the f*** aside, because decades of "impeach 45" chants haven't fixed a thing for your constituents. Road to ruin? Aligning with Pelosi on bailouts and oversight lapses, letting Wall Street run wild. This shredding? Washing your stain clean—time to retire and let the linens refresh.

Zoe Lofgren: Pelosi's Silicon Valley Shield

Zoe Lofgren, the California tech whisperer who's been Pelosi's ally in protecting Big Tech from real regulation. You've chaired committees, shielding donors under her leadership. Common sense: f*** off from the Hill, because 30 years of insider access have turned oversight into a joke. Road to ruin? Collaborating with Pelosi on antitrust theater that changes nothing, while innovation stalls. Blunt as ever—this article's your pink slip; voucher expired, stalactite.

Chuck Schumer: The Perpetual Schmoozer

Chuck, you've been flip-flopping on issues faster than a fish on a dock—remember when you were tough on borders? Now it's open sesame. Common sense: pack it up, because after 40+ years, you're less a senator and more a walking lobbyist ad. Your ruinous path? Schmoozing Wall Street while Main Street crumbles, pushing agendas that divide rather than deliver. This article's your wake-up call, Chuck—blunt as a brick, sarcastic as your empty promises. Careers like yours? Washed out, stained no more.

Dick Durbin: Schumer's Loyal Whip in the Wind

Dick Durbin, the Illinois evergreen who's been Schumer's right-hand man as Senate Majority Whip, cracking the party line since the dinosaurs—or at least since 1997. You've been his enforcer, pushing through agendas that keep the donors happy while the heartland gets hollowed out. Common sense: kindly f*** off from the Senate, because after nearly 30 years, your "reform" record is as effective as a screen door on a submarine. Road to ruin? Aligning with Schumer on everything from Big Tech coddling to endless spending, leaving Illinois with more potholes than progress. This shredding? Your voucher's expired, Dick; drip off like the stalactite second-in-command you are, and let society's linens refresh without your whip marks.

Amy Klobuchar: The Midwestern Moderate in Schumer's Pocket

Amy Klobuchar, the Minnesota multitasker bumped up to Democratic leadership's No. 3 spot under Schumer's watchful eye. You've been his reliable ally, blending folksy charm with Beltway business as usual. Common sense: step the f*** out before you calcify further, because your antitrust theatrics haven't broken a single monopoly. Road to ruin? Cozying up to Schumer on corporate-friendly policies while preaching competition, all while your state deals with real issues like affordability. Impactful? This article's combing through your resume—your stain's setting in; for the love of God, exit stage Midwest.

Brian Schatz: Schumer's Handpicked Whip Successor

Brian Schatz, the Hawaii hotshot locked in as the new Democratic Whip with Schumer's backing, jetting from islands to insider deals. You've climbed the ranks as his protégé, focusing on climate chats that amount to hot air. Common sense: pack it up and f*** off to the beach, because after a decade-plus, your "progress" is slower than Hawaiian traffic. Road to ruin? Backing Schumer's agendas that prioritize party over planet, leaving vulnerable states like yours hanging. Shredded here—voucher revoked; time to lei off, relic.

Cory Booker: The Rising Star in Schumer's Constellation

Cory Booker, the New Jersey dynamo elevated to leadership's No. 4 under Schumer, spouting inspiration while sticking to the script. You've been his urban ally, but your reforms fizzle faster than a campaign promise. Common sense: get the f*** out of the spotlight, because decades of charisma can't hide the lack of change. Road to ruin? Teaming with Schumer on half-measures for housing and justice, while Newark still struggles. This blunt roast? Washing your shine off—drip away, stalactite.

Patty Murray: Schumer's Veteran Assistant Leader

Patty Murray, the Washington workhorse as Assistant Democratic Leader, grinding through committees with Schumer's nod. You've been his steadfast partner since the '90s, funding pet projects while the budget balloons. Common sense: f*** off into Pacific Northwest retirement, because 30+ years of appropriations have left us in debt up to our eyeballs. Road to ruin? Collaborating with Schumer on spending sprees that favor special interests over sense. Impact? Your career's torn—voucher voided; for the love of God, step aside.

Richard Blumenthal: Schumer's Connecticut Comrade

Richard Blumenthal, the Connecticut crusader tied to Schumer through shared donors and dubious contributions, suing everything in sight. You've been his Northeast neighbor, echoing attacks on tech while protecting the elite. Common sense: step the f*** aside, because after 15 years, your attorney general habits have turned the Senate into a courtroom circus. Road to ruin? Aligning with Schumer on investigations that go nowhere, stained by oligarch whispers. This shredding? Lifting your mark—for the love of God, retire the robe.

Kirsten Gillibrand: Schumer's New York Protege

Kirsten Gillibrand, the other New York senator handpicked by Schumer's influence, flipping from moderate to progressive faster than a light switch. You've been his state sidekick, pushing women's issues while the economy crumbles. Common sense: kindly f*** off from the Hill, because your evolutions are as genuine as a politician's promise. Road to ruin? Riding Schumer's coattails into irrelevance, with policies that divide more than deliver. Blunt as ever—this article's your pink slip; voucher expired, stalactite.

Lindsey Graham: The Flip-Flop King

Lindsey, you've been in since the Clinton era, twisting like a pretzel to stay relevant. Common sense: exit stage left, because loyalty to party over country is about as fresh as last week's bread. Road to ruin? Betraying your "maverick" buddy's memory by cozying up to authoritarians, all while the judiciary you helped pack unravels rights. Impact? This dry roast is singeing your feathers—time to fly the coop, voucher voided.

Joe Manchin: Coal's Best Friend in a Suit

Joe, you've torpedoed your own party's bills for personal gain, all while West Virginia wonders where the progress went. Common sense: hit the road, because after decades, you're the poster child for self-serving centrism. Ruin? Blocking climate action while your state chokes on pollution. Shredded, Joe—your stain's lifting.

Bill Clinton: The Frequent Flyer on Lolita Express

Bill Clinton, the saxophone-playing charmer who's been out of the Oval Office but never out of the spotlight—or apparently, Epstein's orbit. You've got those 26 flights on the Lolita Express logged, rubbing elbows with a convicted pedophile while claiming it was all innocent philanthropy. Common sense: kindly f*** off from any lingering political influence, because suspicions of your Epstein ties are a stain that no amount of foundation speeches can bleach out. Road to ruin? Dodging depositions, denying any wrongdoing while the docs show you were deeper in that web than a spider at a fly convention. This shredding? Your legacy's taking another hit—vouchers for elder statesman status revoked. Step aside, Bill; society's linens are due for a wash without your dubious connections.

George Mitchell: The Peacemaker with Shady Shadows

George Mitchell, the former Senate Majority Leader and Irish peace broker who's been name-dropped in Epstein docs as someone Giuffre claimed she was trafficked to—denials aside, that's a hell of a suspicion. You've been retired, but your legacy's still hanging around like a bad aftertaste. Common sense: stay the f*** retired and out of any advisory roles, because even alleged Epstein links are a stain on your diplomatic halo. Road to ruin? Trading Nobel nods for unsealed court whispers that question your associations. Shredded here—your spot on society's fabric? Washed clean without you.

Bill Richardson: The Ghost of Scandals Past

Bill Richardson, the late governor and UN ambassador who couldn't escape the Epstein cloud even in death—accused by victims of involvement, with denials from beyond the grave via his estate. You were a career Dem powerhouse, but those flight logs and allegations paint a picture uglier than your energy policies. Common sense: since you're gone, we'll just say to any successors or apologists—f*** off with defending this stain. Road to ruin? Globe-trotting on Epstein's dime while preaching public service. This article's the final rinse; your voucher? Buried with you.

Barack Obama: The Retired Inspirer Still Lingering

Barack Obama, the hope-and-change maestro who kicked off this relic parade as the 44th president, wrapping up in 2017 but still hovering like a ghost at the party. You've been out since then, supposedly inspiring the next gen through your foundation and Netflix deals, but your alumni network's been pulling Democratic strings for years—until 2024's wake-up call. Common sense: kindly drip off into full retirement, because your fragile legacy's already fracturing under Trump 2.0 or whatever 2025 brought. Road to ruin? Policies that divided more than united, from healthcare headaches to foreign fiascos, leaving a party in shambles. This shredding? Your voucher's expired—step the f*** out of the spotlight, for the love of God, and let the new wave wash away the Obama-era stains.

Joe Biden: The VP Turned President, Now Relic Emeritus

Joe Biden, Obama's loyal sidekick VP from '09 to '17, who then stumbled into the Oval Office himself until 2025's handover. You're the ultimate leftover, packing your admin with Obama alums like a reunion tour. Common sense: f*** off into Scranton sunset, because after decades of gaffes and gridlock, you're the poster boy for why term limits exist—or should. Road to ruin? Ballooning inflation, border blunders, and foreign policy flops that echoed your boss's era. Impactful? This article's your farewell roast—your stain on society's fabric? Finally lifting as we air out the White House.

Jeff Zients: The Autopen Authorizer from Afar

Jeff Zients, Biden's chief of staff turned autopen enabler, rubber-stamping pardons via email from his cozy home setup while the boss allegedly napped through his decline. You've been accused of greenlighting the machine to sign off on family favors and sketchy clemencies without a shred of proof Biden was in the loop. Common sense: f*** off from any DC whispers, because playing president-by-proxy is a stain that screams elder abuse and power grab. Road to ruin? Hiding cognitive cracks by letting a robot do the dirty work, including pardons for Hunter and cronies. This shredding? Your voucher's voided, Jeff—drip off like the unelected stalactite you are, for the love of God, and let the linens wash clean of your unauthorized signatures.

Ron Klain: The Verbal Order Virtuoso

Ron Klain, former chief of staff and Biden's early puppeteer, testifying to "verbal approvals" for big-ticket items like vaccine mandates while the autopen hummed in the background. You've been fingered in the lax chain-of-command that let staff bypass real presidential consent. Common sense: step the f*** out of advisory gigs, because your "he said yes over coffee" excuses are thinner than Biden's briefing binders. Road to ruin? Setting the stage for autopen abuse by normalizing shortcuts amid decline. Impactful? This article's roasting your legacy—your stain's lifting as we air out the White House relics.

Neera Tanden: The Staff Secretary with Signature Oversight

Neera Tanden, the staff secretary who barely saw Biden but oversaw the autopen like it was her personal stamp collection, with zero logs or checks on who cranked the handle. Allegations swirl that your limited oversight let unauthorized uses slip through, turning executive actions into a free-for-all. Common sense: kindly f*** off to think-tank obscurity, because after enabling this mess, you're the poster child for bureaucratic blind spots. Road to ruin? Rare Biden meetings and opaque processes that hid the decline while the machine signed away. Shredded here—voucher revoked; time to tweet your way out, stalactite.

Kamala Harris: The Potential Proxy in the Shadows

Kamala Harris, the VP who memos suggested might have stepped in for clemency approvals amid Biden's fog, potentially outsourcing decisions while the autopen did the deed. You've been tied to the scandal through staff whispers of your involvement in bypassing the big guy. Common sense: get the f*** out of any future runs, because if you're complicit in autopen abuse to cover decline, that's a democracy-damaging stain. Road to ruin? Dismissing probes while the machine signed controversial acts. This blunt roast? Washing your cackle clean—drip off, for the love of God.

Hunter Biden: The Family Fixer in Pardon Talks

Hunter Biden, the first son turned pardon participant, dipping into late-term discussions while the autopen inked your own get-out-of-jail-free card without dad's documented nod. Allegations of your hand in the pot make you the ultimate insider abuser. Common sense: f*** off from any influence peddling, because profiting from pops' decline via robot signatures is the sleaziest stain yet. Road to ruin? Family favors amid cognitive cover-ups. Impact? Your career's torn—voucher buried; step aside, shitstain.

John Kerry: The Climate Crusader Who Won't Quit

John Kerry, Obama's Secretary of State turned Biden's climate envoy, jet-setting on private planes while preaching green gospel. You wrapped up your envoy gig post-2024, but your influence lingers like exhaust fumes. Common sense: pack your bags and f*** off from any advisory whispers, because after failing to seal deals that mattered, you're just another elite relic. Road to ruin? Paris Accord pomp without punch, leaving the planet warmer and wallets lighter. Shredded here—voucher revoked; time to sail away on your yacht, relic.

Susan Rice: The Security Advisor Turned Policy Pusher

Susan Rice, Obama's UN Ambassador and National Security Advisor, who hopped to Biden's Domestic Policy Advisor until 2023. You're still out there, influencing from the shadows or think tanks. Common sense: step the f*** out, because your Benghazi baggage and divisive policies are stains we don't need repeating. Road to ruin? Pushing agendas that polarized, from foreign interventions to domestic overreach. This blunt takedown? Washing your mark off the linens—for the love of God, retire already.

Denis McDonough: The Chief of Staff Turned VA Boss

Denis McDonough, Obama's White House Chief of Staff, who became Biden's VA Secretary in 2021—likely ousted by now in 2025's new regime. But your Obama-era fingerprints are all over the bureaucracy. Common sense: f*** off from any lingering roles, because veterans deserve better than backlog kings. Road to ruin? Overseeing scandals at VA while echoing old admin failures. Impact? Your career's torn—voucher voided; drip off, stalactite.

Lisa Murkowski: The Arctic Circle Queen of RINO Compromise

Lisa Murkowski, the Alaskan heiress who inherited her Senate seat like it's a family oil lease, write-in winner turned eternal moderate. You've been cozying up to Democrats on everything from infrastructure blowouts to confirming Biden judges, all while Alaska freezes and pays the price. Common sense: kindly f*** off from the Senate, because after 20+ years of playing both sides, you're less a Republican and more a stain on conservative principles. Road to ruin? Betraying your party on key votes, pushing green agendas that cripple energy in your own state. This shredding? Your voucher's expired, Queen Lisa—drip off into the tundra, stalactite, and let real Alaskans wash the linens clean of your wishy-washy legacy.

Mark Begich: The One-Term Wonder Who Won't Fade

Mark Begich, the former Democratic senator from Alaska who lost to Sullivan but keeps lurking around like a bad case of frostbite—family dynasty ties, union pandering, and all. You've been out since 2015 but still pop up influencing state politics like a ghost refusing to thaw. Common sense: step the f*** out for good, because your brief reign brought nothing but Obamacare cheerleading and resource roadblocks. Road to ruin? Selling out Alaska's economy for national Dem points, leaving drilling dreams on ice. Impactful? This article's your final melt—voucher revoked; f*** off into obscurity, relic.

Dan Sullivan: The Alaskan "Republican" Soft on Spending

Dan Sullivan, Alaska's other senator who's supposed to be the conservative counterweight but votes for massive omnibus bills and endless foreign aid like it's going out of style. You've been in since beating Begich, but your backbone melts faster than permafrost. Common sense: get the f*** out, because career military turned career spender isn't the flex you think. Road to ruin? Backing bloated budgets while Alaska begs for energy independence. Shredded here—your stain's lifting; drip off, stalactite, for the love of God.

Michael Bennet: Colorado's Stealthy Establishment Drone

Michael Bennet, the Colorado senator who's been quietly entrenched since 2009, pushing Wall Street-friendly policies while pretending to be a moderate Dem. You've survived waves by blending in, but your record's a stain of corporate bailouts and open-border winks. Common sense: f*** off from the Senate, because decades of bland bipartisanship have left Colorado with wildfires, housing crises, and zero fixes. Road to ruin? Aligning with Schumer on spending sprees that ignore your state's real pain. This blunt roast? Voucher expired—wash away, relic.

John Hickenlooper: The Brewmaster Turned Bureaucrat

John Hickenlooper, former governor turned senator, trading craft beer charm for career politician sludge. You've been flipping on fracking while Colorado's energy jobs vanish, all cozy in the Dem machine. Common sense: step the f*** aside, because your quirky governor act doesn't hide the establishment stain. Road to ruin? Greenlighting regulations that choke the economy you once claimed to boost. Impact? This article's scrubbing you clean—drip off into the Rockies, stalactite.

Tina Kotek: Oregon's Progressive Disaster Governor

Tina Kotek, Oregon's current governor who's turned Portland into a homeless encampment paradise and the state into a drug decriminalization experiment gone wrong. You've been a career legislator before ascending, pushing far-left policies that fueled chaos. Common sense: kindly f*** off from office, because after decades in Salem, your "equity" agenda left streets filthy and businesses fleeing. Road to ruin? Botching Measure 110, exploding homelessness, and taxing everything in sight. Shredded here—your voucher's revoked; time to wash Oregon's linens of your stain.

Ron Wyden: Oregon's Eternal Tax-and-Spend Fixture

Ron Wyden, the Oregon senator since the '90s, chairing Finance while masterminding ways to bleed taxpayers dry. You've been a stalactite dripping liberal policies for 40+ years in Congress total. Common sense: get the f*** out, because your longevity is the problem—endless terms, insider trading whispers, zero restraint on spending. Road to ruin? Pushing IRS expansion and green deals that crush rural Oregon. This takedown? Your career's torn—for the love of God, retire and let the new wave clean house.

Jeff Merkley: Wyden's Progressive Tag-Team Partner

Jeff Merkley, the junior Oregon senator who's been Wyden's echo chamber on everything from filibuster nuking to climate hysteria. You've camped out on doorsteps for attention but delivered squat for your state. Common sense: f*** off into the forests, because your activism theater masks a career of failure. Road to ruin? Blocking pipelines while gas prices soar, ignoring Oregon's rural rot. Blunt as ever—this article's your pink slip; voucher voided, drip off, shitstain.

John McCain: The Maverick Who Posed with "Moderates" in Syria

Ah, the late John McCain—eternal hawk, forever charging into foreign quagmires like it's his personal hobby. Remember that 2013 jaunt across the border into Syria, where he sneaked in to buddy up with the "moderate" Free Syrian Army rebels, pushing hard for us to arm them against Assad? Photos surfaced of him grinning with these guys, and lo and behold, allegations flew that he was palling around with known kidnappers and, in the wilder rumors, future ISIS types during what some whispered was tied to gun trades or just plain bad vetting. Common sense: when you're photo-opping in a war zone with rebels who later splinter into extremists or get accused of shady dealings, maybe pump the brakes on the intervention crusade. His road to ruin? Championing arm-the-rebels policies that helped turn Syria into a chaotic hellscape, feeding the very monsters we later bombed. We're just now clawing our way out of that endless-war hangover McCain loved prescribing, and for the love of God, if there's anyone left cut from that same interventionist cloth—cozying up to questionable allies abroad while preaching American exceptionalism at home—just step the f*** out of office. We've had enough maverick misadventures staining the record.

The Decades-Long Road to Ruin and the Dawn of Something New

These brittle fossils of ancients' past have paved a decades-long perpetual road to ruin: endless wars, ballooning deficits, eroded trust, and a system rigged for the elite. They've turned democracy into a gerrymandered game show, where the prize is another term and the losers are us. But here's the punchline—we're done. No more honoring those free parking vouchers in the Capitol garage. We're building anew: fresh faces, term limits, actual progress. Tech-savvy reformers, citizen legislators, and transparency are the new wave, washing away the grime. These shitstains? Fading in the spin cycle. Their careers? Irreparably torn—honest, impactful, and oh-so-satisfying. Thanks for the memories, stalactites. Now drip off into history.