Listen up, you red-tie-wearing, deficit-hawk-squawking Congressional bastards atop your soapboxes shouting in protest against dividends. The American people have been played for long enough and their patience is thin. Thanks to the autopen admin, we've endured higher prices on everything, even our women! And now that Trump wants to slide everyone some envelopes full of checks, you all the sudden feel accountable for the money you think you've "earned"? Well, isn't that just rich? And the whole time, you get paid out the wazoo, and your checks never quit coming. But, as soon as the plebs get wind of a kickback, they might as well kiss it goodbye, because candy ass got his panties in a knot about the floating of the checks. And now Trump's saying it again: tariff dividends, bigger tax refunds, no more tax on income, the complete works! And those checks? We're talking at least $2,000 per person (sorry, billionaires, you're sitting this one out).

But here you are, playing dollar on a string, saying, "you've got to be quicker than that". Just dragging your feet like a kid who doesn't want to share his cookies. "No way, we can't possibly afford that!" you cry, while clutching the national debt ledger like it's your precious. News flash: Trump says the tariffs are raking in trillions (or at least hundreds of billions – whatever). Enough to pay down debt and slide some cash our way. It's like winning the lottery and then refusing someone trying to cash-in on their ticket because "we said so".

Come on, guys. Quit being so d*mn greedy! The people need that money. Rent's due, tainted groceries are mocking us to death from the shelf with their inflated prices, we've got diseases you just won't cure, and everyone's bills are piling up faster than snow in an impromptu avalanche. Look, chum... we've been good sports about the whole "pizzagate" thing. We are still shook up from all that "coronavirus" and "covid" "safe distancing" "wear your mask" tirade of absolute nonsense. Now it's time for the dividend party!

Imagine the headlines if you block this: "Congressional Grinches Steal Christmas... Again. This Time With Even More Fiscal Responsibility!" Or worse: midterm voters remembering how you played that nasty mean old uncle Scrooge with our whole ass tariff windfall. Trump wants to hand out these "nice dividends" – his words! – probably sometime in 2026, right before we all head to the polls. Coincidence? Absolutely not. But, hey... that's not just smart politics! It's good business! That's the art of the deal.

So, you better think, wisecrackers. You either get on board, or get on the fast track to getting the boot from that cushy seat the tax payers are paying for. Vote yea. Pass the bill. Send the checks. Or else... we'll echo Trump's 'the anti-tariff fools' rhetoric until you resign on your own accord. If I was you, I wouldn't keep filibustering, pal.

Americans deserve their cut. Pay up, or face the wrath of a nation jacked up on overpriced gasoline and underpaid give-a-dam. The clock's ticking – what are you waiting for, maggot? Get to work!

MAGA checks incoming... or else we ride at dawn, to the voting booth, when it's time to vote.