Welcome To Your Own Personal Hell on Wild Display, Mr. Swalwell

In the grand theater of American politics, few characters are as relentlessly entertaining – or infuriating – as Eric Swalwell. The California congressman, once a rising star in the Democratic firmament, has spent over a decade peddling outrage, impeachment fever dreams, and viral zingers that land about as softly as a lead balloon. But let's cut the crap: Swalwell isn't just a partisan hack; he's a walking punchline punch drunk on his own ego. All this—wrapped into a national security nightmare like it's some kind of split pan-seared tortilla hotdog with chili, gratuitous amounts of cheese and the most flatuous of beans. From dipping his pinky (or more) into foreign enemies' company ink (or would that be company minx?), to vowing a quixotic run for Governor of the Great State of California, is there anything this insatiable dumbf*** won't do? What an incessant little pissant. I mean, you bet your ass. He's had it coming, and today, we're digging so deep into his sorry little wannabe ass that his butthole tickles just a bit – causing him to pucker his asshole in tensity. (Tent City? Nah, that's where his poll numbers live.) Hmm, let's just say from intensity.

Buckle up, Eric. This one's gonna sting like that FBI briefing you tried to bury like it was a body in your backyard.

The Spy Who Shagged Him: Fang Fang and the Great Big Beijing Dang Lang Bang Rang

Let's start where every Swalwell scandal does: with a woman who wasn't his wife. Back in 2011, when Swalwell was a but a wee fresh-faced Dublin city councilman lad with the brightest of stars in his eyes, but, enter the stripe, Christine Fang – aka "Fang Fang" – a suspected Chinese intelligence operative with a knack for schmoozing and cooing up-and-comers. She wasn't just fundraising for Swalwell's 2014 congressional bid; she was embedding herself deep into his little space-cadet orbit. She was so eager and resourceful that she helped place an intern right into his cute little office, wined and dined (and 69'd?) him at Lunar New Year banquets, and – if any of the intelligence whispers are to be believed – she got real cozy, just like she was right at home. Well, you know them ole U.S. officials started suspecting a sexual relationship, one that Swalwell's camp refused to confirm or deny. But, something smelt fishy, and Swalwell was smiling more than usual. My, there was even a pep in his step. Wouldn't you know?

It wasn't long before the FBI clocked Fang's agenda. Talk about an early flag thrown in the game. The FEDs briefed Swalwell in 2015. But, he claims that he cut ties immediately and was cooperating fully. But, hey... no wrongdoing found, said the House Ethics Committee. But, oh — here's the kicker: Why was a suspected spy targeting a low-level pol? Well, that's because Swalwell was on the fast track to the House Intelligence Committee, where he fired off Russia collusion fairy tales like they were some type of Gadamned air raids or somethin'. Republicans hurried up and booted him straight out of the committee in 2023, citing the Fang Dang Lang Bang Rang fiasco as Exhibit A. Psheit, MFs on X still roastin' him to this very day. "Swallowswell."

Swalwell's dastardly defense? "Hey, I was young and ambitious." Buddy, you're 44 now. Own the L.

Mortgage Mayhem: From D.C. Love Nest to DOJ Docket—You're Under Arrest

Fast-forward to November 2025, and Swalwell's skeletons are screeching in the ghost of his closets louder than a hell full of screaming zombies that are burning from perpetual fire. The Trump administration's Federal Housing Finance Agency Director Bill Pulte dropped an ever-loving bombshell: a criminal referral to the DOJ for alleged mortgage and tax fraud tied to Swalwell's D.C. pad. The claim? Swalwell finagled millions in loans by falsely declaring the property his "primary residence" – a cushy spot he allegedly used as a rendezvous hub during his Fang Fang Dang Lang Bang Rang fling. And wouldn't you know that public records show no California home ownership at all—which has started raising eyebrows about election residency rules too.

Swalwell's firing back: "Nonsense! Political hit job!" he told MSNBC, insisting he has just one mortgage and lives in Cali. But then fired back and started making threats to all the wrong people. You heard me right... Swalwell's threats of subpoenas against investigators just screams "Gadamnit, I've got a guilty conscience... and I'm insatiable asf!" So, we're left wondering here, does Fang Fang's little nest of love = mortgage fraud at its finest?

He's the fourth high-profile Dem Pulte's targeted – joining Letitia James and Adam Schiff in the very same crosshairs. If the DOJ indicts, say goodbye to that congressional pension, Eric. As a matter of fact, say goodbye to a lot of stuff. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!

Presidential Pipe Dream: "Nuke" Tweets and Zero Percent Polls

Swalwell's ego swelled and wouldn't you know the gosh darn thing propelled a 2019 presidential run that died out faster than a TV when you turn that b**** straight TF off? Oh, he had a hook. What was his hook? "For the People" – a slogan as generic as his political policy wankfest. It sure didn't take long before he nuked his own career, with a single tweet in 2021 that said, "Truth: I can’t wait to nuke the filibuster", which earned him instant "nuke bro" mockery that could be heard from the Heavens. Polls? Jack-squat. He dropped out just after four months, endorsing Biden like a loyal sidekick, while his political opponents that actually made a difference in the world pushed through the full-trail on a hellacious blaze-of-glory.

But the real scandal? That $84,000 Qatar family jaunt with his bestie, Ruben Gallego, during COVID lockdowns – all while preaching "masks and mandates" schtick that got him side-eyed harder than a Japanese Stare of Disapproval.

Swalwell's Hypocritical Qatar Camel Vacation: $84k Worth of Lockdown Lunacy

In March 2021 — peak COVID lockdowns — Eric Swalwell and his wife jetted off on an $84,621 luxury trip to Qatar with his best friend Rep. Ruben Gallego and Gallego’s then-fiancée (now wife). The entire tab — flights, Four Seasons Doha, meals, everything — was paid by the U.S.-Qatar Business Council, a pro-Qatar lobbying group.

While Americans were masked up and stuck at home, viral photos showed Swalwell and Gallego shirtless, maskless, grinning like idiots while riding camels on a Doha beach and posing with Qatar’s emir. Swalwell, who spent 2020–2021 screaming about masks and shaming unmasked colleagues on the House floor, suddenly forgot the “science” the moment a foreign interest paid for his desert vacation.

It was billed as an “educational” congressional trip, perfectly legal under House rules, but the optics were brutal: two lockdown hardliners living it up in a COVID-hotspot country on lobbyist money while their constituents couldn’t even visit grandma. The camel pics still haunt them on X to this day.

Gun Sit-Ins, Abortion Vine, and Other Foot-Shooting Fiascos

Swalwell's resume reads like a blooper reel. In 2013, he Vine'd his vote against a 20-week abortion ban – "pro-choice and proud," he beamed. Then came the 2016 House floor sit-in for gun control, live-streamed like a bad Zoom business meeting where someone purposely forgot to wear their pants thinking no one could see. And don't forget the 2024 Ten Commandments meltdown: Swalwell raged against displaying them in schools, but the internet noted that his Fang affair broke at least two of them (adultery and false witness), so no wonder why he disagrees with them. I'll just let your imagination run wild on that one.

Campaign cash? He blew $28k on luxury yacht charters and $131k on childcare – priorities, amirite? But, I will just pile this on: Dumb move, Swalwell.

Campaign Cash Blowout: Yachts, Childcare, and Zero Shame

Between 2019 and 2024, Eric Swalwell’s campaign committee and leadership PAC burned through donor money like it was Monopoly cash — including **$28,000+** on luxury yacht charters for “fundraising events” in places like Miami and the California coast. Yes, while lecturing Americans about inequality and climate change, he was sipping champagne on deck with donors, billing it all to the campaign as perfectly 'legal' “event expenses.”

Even wilder: Swalwell’s campaign dropped **over $131,000** on childcare and nannies in recent cycles — which is even more than many of his constituents make in a single year. He became the cheeky blushing poster boy for a 2019 rule change that lets members use campaign funds for childcare while on official business, but the sheer scale of his excessive expenditures turned quite a few heads and fueled endless memes about “diapers over democracy.” Failed Policy 101 for all those that are new here.

MFs on X still troll him: "your $50 donation didn’t go to flipping seats — it paid for a yacht cocktail and a nanny so Eric could rage-tweet about billionaires. Classic Swalwell Scumbaggery: rules for thee, but, luxury for me."

Swalwell’s Greatest Billionaire Rage Hits (2025 Edition!)

July 3, 2025 – Posted a Republican congressman’s own tweet bragging about tax cuts and captioned it: “This is a REAL TWEET. Republican Congressman CELEBRATING the theft of your health care to fund billionaires’ tax cuts.”

July 14, 2025 – Mocked Trump’s “Day 1” price-drop promise on Day 176: “Trump promised he’d lower prices ‘on Day 1.’ It’s Day 176. And he’s 0 for 176.” Blamed the “Trump Tariff Tax” for coming inflation spikes, saying that it would hit workers while protecting billionaire cronies.

August 23, 2025 – Quote-tweeted Apple hiking Apple TV+ prices 30%, dripping in sarcasm: “Lowering prices on DAY 1!” – a direct shot at Trump’s 'unkept' pledge and billionaire tech greed. But, Apple is known to upcharge just cuz it looks pretty, so, you do the math on that one.

September 10, 2025 – In a viral thread: he tied negative job growth directly to Trump policies that favor billionaires, declaring Trump “the sole cause of the jobs recession” just like I'm sure he acts like Trump caused the January 6th incident. My gosh, Eric. Say it ain't so!

Governor Gambit: Is He Really Trying to Trade His D.C. Duties for Sacramento Shindigs? Tisk, Tisk.

Now, the crown jewel of Swalwell's ambition: a sudden rumored 2026 run for California governor. Sources say it's "all but decided," with an announcement possibly imminent – timed perfectly to dodge the DOJ heat and attempt to bash Trump from an even bigger bully pulpit. Polling? Fourth place, at 11%, behind Steve Hilton, and I can't even believe it—but, Katie Porter of all candidates. However, I must say... Choosing between Eric Swalwell and Gavin Newsom? How bout no? Not just no, but, hell-to-the-naw.

Why now? With Trump back in action like it's some kind of a Jet Li sequel, Swalwell suddenly craves a "protector" role – ironic for a guy who couldn't protect himself from a spy. This oddly reminds me of the show titled something about Kevin maybe saving the world, except his world's on fire and the inferno's closing in. The race of Governor of the Great State of California's crowded: Porter, Becerra, Villaraigosa. Swalwell's edge? I'm sure it's just built on name recognition from impeachment gigs and Fang memes. Downside? Every debate devolves into ::slow motion deep voice:: "So, about that Chinese intern..."

Governor Gambit: The Crowded Clown Car of California Contenders

The 2026 California governor's race is a Democrat-dominated demolition derby, with over a dozen candidates scrambling to replace term-limited Gavin Newsom in the nation's most populous state. I mean, the field's crowded, and it's a top-heavy scrum of big-name progressives, ex-officials, and wild cards, all vying in a June 2026 primary where the top two (regardless of party) advance to November. Kamala Harris's decision to sit it out opened the floodgates of heathens prying at the jaws of the election, turning what could've been a snoozer into one hell of a chaotic schitstorm.

I don't know how, but—heading the Dem pack: Katie Porter, the firebrand ex-Rep from Orange County, polling at 15-27% in recent surveys – she's the progressive darling but took heat from venomously vindictive viral meltdown videos. Xavier Becerra, Biden's former Health Secretary and ex-AG, hovers in at 8-22%, pitching steady governance but criticized for what we're calling Deep State D.C. insider vibes. Antonio Villaraigosa, the charismatic ex-L.A. Mayor, sits at 5-21%, leaning on his Latino outreach and 2018 near-miss; his camp's latest poll shows him nipping at heels in a tight three-way. Pun intended? We hope not. Bl'yuck.

Others in the mix? Betty Yee (ex-State Controller, 3%), Tony Thurmond (Schools Chief), and floated names like Eric Swalwell (himself) or even Rob Bonta (yikes). Republicans like Steve Hilton (12-18%) and Sheriff Chad Bianco (7-11%) are longshots in the deep blue Cali corruption, but they could snag second in the jungle primary. With 38% undecided, it's anyone's game, but '26 is right around the corner. I'm sure that you can expect attack ads on housing costs, immigration, and who "gets" the Golden State, like it's some prize to be won. Think Scarface with a mountain of white-pony on his desk.

The Reckoning: What'll You Say? Do You Think It's Time to Pack It In Yet, Eric? Just Say Yes Already.

Swalwell's built his personal brand solely on Trump Derangement Syndrome – suing him over Jan. 6, buying himself some liability insurance against retaliation — cuz, you know... Just in case. But as the internet never forgets: He's a compromised political operative tool who sold out the American people time and time again. And we're not about to let him do it again. From unpaid spy bundler cash to nukey dookie tweets, maniacal mortgage scandals to Great State Governor pipe dreams, Swalwell's career is the ultimate 'don't try this at home, kids' teachable moment. So, do make good use of it!

And, finally... Eric, as you eye Sacramento, remember: California's seen enough of the one-party rule of rabid 'royalty' and quite frankly, they've all had just about enough out of you and your cronies. Pack it up, f***boy. Because, your scandals? That's not leadership, nor is it even an inkling of authority; that's a bold faced liability. Run if you must – but don't cry to ya Mama when the voters (and DOJ) burn you like hellfire and brimstone. I mean, it's just a matter of time, really. You suddenly feeling a Trip to Brazil, you know, with your buddy Newsom?