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Merica Says • Yeehaw or Bust

Merica Says • Yeehaw or Bust

May 1, 2026

Act 1: The Great Steal-Off
Spotlights hit a stage with bald eagle figures holding beer cans displayed on the game screen. John Michael Hickens struts out dressed in a stars-and-stripes vest, oversized belt buckle shaped like Texas, and big ole boots. He's spinning six-shooters on his fingers and then slaps em in his holsters.
JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

Howdy, Merica! Welcome back to the only game show where the survey consistently says “Merica, baby!” We got the Diesel Divas leadin’ by 200 points against the Hog Wranglers. One more round and somebody’s goin’ home with all the glory or a participation ribbon and a warm six-pack from our sponsor Pabst Blue Ribbon. Alright, let's get to it! Tiffany, this is your team's last shot… Merica was asked: “When the cooler’s empty, a real Merican says…”

Board shows: G__ M___, P____ O___
DIESEL DIVAS CAPTAIN (Tiffany)

Get More?

Buzzer sounds. Crowd boos.
JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

I'm sorry, Tiff, you got that one wrong. One more wrong answer and you’re watchin’ the bonus round from the cheap seats.

Hog Wranglers huddle like it’s the Super Bowl.
JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

The Hog Wranglers just might steal it… Carmen, can you save this team? You're on your last leg and it's a wobbly one. What've you got?

DIESEL DIVAS (Carmen)

Party on!

Buzzer sounds. Crowd moans.
JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

Diesel Divas, you better hope the Hog Wranglers got nothin' because they look ready to snag it from ya.

Hog Wranglers are bursting at the seams itching to give their answer.
DIESEL DIVAS (Carmen)

(sighs) Great…

JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

(walks across the stage) Alright, Hog Wranglers. This better be good. I walked all the way across the stage for this.

HOG WRANGLER (Cleetus)

Oh, yeah. We got one alright.

JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

Well… let's hear it, Haus.

HOG WRANGLER (Cleetus)

“Got More?”

Board flips. “YEEHAW!” Crowd loses their minds. Diesel Divas lean on their podiums and facepalm.
JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

That’s right, y'all! Hog Wranglers stole the show and are headed to the bonus round! Diesel Divas, y’all played a good game.

Act 2: Bonus Round Chaos
Lights dim. Dramatic music. Skip button glowing like a danger sign.
JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

Alright, we're back. The Hog Wranglers have made it to the bonus round and it's time to see what they're made of. One word. “Merica’s favorite vegetable is…” C___.

HOG WRANGLERS CAPTAIN (Cleetus)

Corn!

Ding. A mini cannon shoots a piece of bacon into the audience.
JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

Alright, second round: Two words. “Best way to fix any problem is…” D___ T___.

HOG WRANGLER (Cooter)

Duct tape!

Double ding. The team high-fives so hard one guy’s hat flies off. Another piece of bacon flies into the crowd.
JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

Round 3: Three words. “You know you’re in the South when you see…” B__, C____, and a G__.

Team panics. Cleetus repeatedly slams the crap out of skip button like it owes him money.
CLEETUS

Skippin’ that one, y'all. Too dangerous.

JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

Smart man. We’ll circle back to that one. Final round: Four words. “Every tailgate needs…” B___, B___, B___, and B___.

COOTER

Beer!

Ding. Bacon flies.
JETHRO

Brats!

Ding. Bacon flies.
BUFORD

Burgers!

Ding. Bacon flies.
CLEETUS

…Boobs?

Ding. The entire arena explodes. Bacon is shot everywhere.
JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

Y’all got 38 seconds left. Plenty of time, plenty of time… but, back to that skipped one. Get this one right and you win the prize. Three words: “You know you’re in the South when you see…” B, C, and a G.

COOTER

Boots…

Ding.
JETHRO

Camo!

Ding. Jethro thinks for a really long time.
BUFORD

…Gizzards?

Buzzer. Timer hits zero. Dead silence except one guy murmuring to himself.
JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

Audience, help these poor souls out!

Trucker-hat guy stands up, veins popping.
TRUCKER HAT GUY

Guns! G'yaw-lee!

John Michael Hickens winces his face, then grins at the camera.
JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

He should have been on the team because he got that one right. Tough luck, Hog Wranglers. No $20,000 today. But y’all still get a year’s supply of Icehouse as a consolation prize.

JETHRO

Awe, I wanted the blue ribbon!

JOHN MICHAEL HICKENS

Too bad. That's it for today, folks. Tune in next time to Merica Says!

Theme song kicks in. The mini cannon guy is eating the rest of the bacon as John tosses his cowboy hat into the crowd and it lands on the trucker-hat guy’s head. Lights fade as everyone chants “MER-I-CA! MER-I-CA!”
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