Warning: The stunts performed in this show are for entertainment purposes only and are filmed by untrained professionals. Don't try this at home.
Act 1: The Human Shopping Cart
Crowded grocery store parking lot. Johnny Coxville stands next to a modified shopping cart with no brakes, a giant spring-loaded seat, and a fire extinguisher duct-taped to the handlebar. Ryan Bunn is already strapped in, wearing only swim goggles and a white garbage bag for a cape.
JOHNNY COXVILLE
Welcome back to Wackass! Today we’re taking retail therapy to a whole new level. Ryan’s about to become the world’s first human shopping cart. Destination? The loading dock. Speed? Unnecessary. Control? Nonexistent.
RYAN BUNN
Push me like you mean it, Steve-E!
Steve-E, in a full referee outfit, gives the cart a running shove down the steep parking lot incline. The cart rockets forward, weaving between cars. Ryan screams, fires the extinguisher backward for extra thrust, and blasts a cloud of white powder everywhere.
The cart hits a speed bump, launches six feet into the air, and lands hard. Ryan is ejected into a pile of empty cardboard boxes while the cart continues rolling. The runaway cart smashes into a row of shopping carts that send them in every direction, setting off a chain reaction of car alarms after the carts strike the nearby vehicles.
STORE MANAGER
What in the actual hell is going on out here?!
JOHNNY COXVILLE
That’s how you park a cart, folks. One rogue cart, zero dignity. Let's get out of here!
Johnny and the crew take off running while the manager stands there puzzled with his hands on his hips in pure astonishment.
Act 2: Hot Dog Stand-Off
Busy city sidewalk outside a sports stadium. Chris Panchos is dressed as a giant foam hot dog. Cram is wearing a hot dog vendor costume. They set up a fake hot dog cart on the stadium sidewalk.
JOHNNY COXVILLE
Next up: the classic bait-and-switch. Chris is the hot dog. Cram is the vendor. Their mission? Getting someone to actually take a bite.
CHRIS PANCHOS
I’m sweating like a gas station grilled frankfurter in here.
CRAM
Getcha free hot dog! Step on up and guess the weight of our wiener!
A group of drunk sports fans approach the boys. Chris is dancing to disco music while Cram starts preparing a hotdog.
CRAM
Ketchup, mayo or mustard?
DRUNK FAN 2
Don't let him lie to you, he wants the mayo.
Chris jumps between them and yells.
CHRIS PANCHOS
I got your mayo, meat lover!
Chris thrusts his costume towards the guy and keeps getting closer. The drunk fan runs away and Chris starts chasing him around while spraying mayo from the end of his costume.
DRUNK FAN
Bro! Get away from me!
CHRIS PANCHOS
Don't fear the wiener.
DRUNK FAN 2
Take one for the team, bro! I want a free sample.
DRUNK FAN
What!? Get this clown away from me, man!
CRAM
Guess the weight of his weenie and he'll leave you alone.
CHRIS PANCHOS
No, I won't!
Chris leaps at the drunk fan and they both go flying into a bush. Security jogs up.
JOHNNY COXVILLE
And just like that, the hot dog stand went out of business permanently.
DRUNK FAN
(muffled) I'm suing!
Act 3: The Human Kite
Open field next to a windy beach. Cram and Weston Macy are strapping Tee-man into a massive kite made from tarps, pool noodles, and duct tape. The kite is attached to the back of a pickup truck with Johnny behind the wheel.
STEVE-E
Well folks. It's the final stunt of the day. We’re turning Tee-man into a human kite.
TEE-MAN
If I die, at least I went out looking cool.
JOHNNY COXVILLE
Ready or not, let's ride!
Johnny hangs his arm out of the side of the truck, slaps the outside of the door twice and then floors it. The truck belches a cloud of dark grey smoke and accelerates down the beach slipping and sliding in the loose sand. The kite catches wind and effortlessly lifts Tee-man off the ground and sends him flying high. He soars higher and higher, spinning slowly and yelling the whole time.
At peak height, the wind shifts. The kite starts to spin out of control and nose-dives. Tee-man crashes into a sand dune and a huge dirt-cloud explodes from the impact. The crew runs over cheering and laughing.
WESTON MACY
You flew, dude! You actually flew!
STEVE-E
And then you bit the sand.
CRAM
Did you see the spiral? That thing was out of control!
JOHNNY COXVILLE
Tee-man just broke a ton of Wackass records today. Congratulations, Tee-man. Anything you want to tell the people?
The scene pans out to show the sunset on the beach and all the guys laughing.
