Squeal or No Squeal • Valentine's Massacre Edition | FUNNIES

Act 1: Interrogation Heartbreak

Dimly lit room. Heart-shaped balloons tied to the metal table. A box of chocolates sits next to a stack of evidence bags. Detective Howie is wearing cheap paper Cupid wings. Suspect: Frankie “The Valentine” Valentino, fidgeting in a wife beater, black sweat pants, gold chain, with a black eye.

DETECTIVE HOWIE

Happy Valentine’s Day and welcome to Squeal or No Squeal! Where the only thing getting screwed tonight is you… if you pick wrong!

FRANKIE

This is worse than my last divorce, Howie. At least she just took the dog.

DETECTIVE HOWIE

Frankie, you’ve opened 19 cases. Case 3: the stolen engagement ring. Case 9: 47 “I love you baby” texts to three different women… simultaneously. Case 15: security footage of you burning down her flower shop while screaming “Nobody calls my roses cheap!”

FRANKIE

What! She said they looked like they came from a gas station!

DETECTIVE HOWIE

The DA is offering just 12 years if you keep playing. But right now, you've only got two cases left on the board: Case 11 and Case 22. Plus the Banker’s special Valentine offer. Squeal or No Squeal?

Frankie stares at the glowing red button like it’s his ex-wife.

FRANKIE

No Squeal. I'm a man of reputation. Just gimme case number 11.

DETECTIVE HOWIE

Layna, open it up, sweetheart.

Sad trombone. Case 11 reveals a confession named “Mama Valentino.”

DETECTIVE HOWIE

Oof. Your own mother rolled on you? The DA just bumped it to 18 years. Still wanna keep playing, lover boy?

Act 2: The Banker’s Final Offer

Only Case 22 remains. Frankie is crying into a heart-shaped box of chocolates, picking one up and eating it slowly as he sobs. The phone rings.

FRANKIE

My own mother, Howie. Why-hy-hy?

The phone rings.

DETECTIVE HOWIE

Oh, you know who that is. We’re down to one final case. Frankie, you’ve inadvertently given us the arson, the stolen jewelry, the three side chicks, and now your own mother’s testimony. The Banker says if you Squeal right now, he’ll buy your case for 5 years and witness protection in… Iowa.

FRANKIE

Iowa?! Oh, Howie… that’s worse than Nebraska! Can't you send me to Canada or somethin'? They've got healthcare and all them polite people! Look at my eye, I need a doctor.

DETECTIVE HOWIE

No can do, Frankie. I don't make the rules and I don't tell the Banker what to do. — So, Frankie, take the deal or open Case 22… Squeal or No Squeal? What'll it be?

Frankie looks around the room nervously.

DETECTIVE HOWIE

Squeal or No Squeal, Frankie. Clock’s ticking.

Frankie huffs, then slams the red button dramatically while sporting a mean-mug through his frown and tears.

FRANKIE

Screw it! I squeal! I’ll tell you everything! The flower shop, the fake IDs, even where I hid the money in the corner of my Nonna’s musty old bread box!

Angelic choir sound plays. Spinning lights flash blue and red.

DETECTIVE HOWIE

We got a Squeal! The DA bought your case! Now… did you make a good deal?

FRANKIE

Please God, let it be worse than Iowa. I already can't do Iowa.

DETECTIVE HOWIE

Let’s see what you just walked away from… Leilani, open the case…

Case pops. Inside: a pink slip reading “1 YEAR – CREDIT WITH TIME SERVED.”

DETECTIVE HOWIE

Frankie… you did not make a good deal.

FRANKIE

5 years… 5 years, Howie! I just sang like a canary for nothin! I should have just gotten her the nice flowers. Now, I'm screwed!

Howie sighs as uniformed officers drag Frankie out, still holding the box of chocolates. Theme music plays with a sad trombone overlay.

DETECTIVE HOWIE

Well, that's it, folks! Remember: on Squeal or No Squeal, the house always wins. See you next time… unless you rat first!