Act 1: The Show Must Go On
Outside the synagogue after Shabbos dinner. Night has fallen. The Hasidic men still buzzing after the meal and singing in unison walk Guy down an alley. One points toward a break in the cement with a dirt-rimmed hole in the ground.
HASIDIC MAN 1
Come, goy. Next stop, Crown Heights.
GUY
(looks at everyone) Crown Heights? That's across town! It'll take us forever to get there.
GUY
(winces, shrugs) Not true?
The Hasidic man is already half-inside the hole, only his black hat and beard still visible.
HASIDIC MAN 1
(echoes) You will see. Do not be scared.
GUY
(backing up) You want me to go down there?
The Hasidic men push him towards the hole.
HASIDIC MAN 2
Relax. Traveling by car? Forget about it. This is the fastest way around town, I promise you. Now, get down there… you are making us late.
The others murmur among themselves, nodding and agreeing.
HASIDIC MAN 3
(shoving) No traffic lights…
HASIDIC MAN 4
(shoving) No traffic…
HASIDIC MAN 5
(nodding, shoving) No lights…
The first man pokes his head back up from inside the hole.
HASIDIC MAN 1
And if you ever tell anybody about this… we hang you upside down and bleed you dry.
A beat of silence. He bursts out laughing.
HASIDIC MAN 1
I’m only joking! But seriously… don’t tell anybody.
He disappears completely into the hole. The rest of the group immediately shoves the gentile forward. He vanishes with a yelp.
Act 2: Down the Rabbit Hole
The tunnel opens into a vast, dimly lit underground network. Deserted concrete chambers stretch out in every direction—old data centers with melted dusty server racks from 2 generations ago, collapsed grocery storage rooms filled with rusted shopping carts, unlit emergency lights, and the occasional abandoned forklift. The air feels thick and forgotten. Post-apocalyptic meets otherworldly.
GUY
(voice cracking) Okay… This is a lot. I think I want to go home now.
The Hasidic men stroll ahead casually, examining melted motherboards and poking around.
HASIDIC MAN 2
(laughing) Don’t be scared, goy.
GUY
(dreadful) Don't be scared?
HASIDIC MAN 3
This is child’s play. You should see the deeper levels.
GUY
(gulps) Deeper levels? (nervous) Heh. Of course there are deeper levels. (whispers) Why wouldn't there be…
Guy trails behind, glancing nervously around. His voice rises a little too sharply.
GUY
So… is this where you guys store all the… you know… the stuff?
Every Hasidic man in the chamber stops. Heads turn. Eyes lock onto him like lasers. The silence is thick. A shopping cart wheel squeaks off in the distance.
Act 3: Do… or Die
Guy feels the weight of a dozen stern eyes locked onto him. Sweat beads on his forehead as he straightens his borrowed yarmulke. He forces a shaky smile and throws his hands up.
GUY
(quickly) I have a joke.
The men unflinchingly turn their eyes toward each other.
GUY
(doesn't hesitate) A joke!
HASIDIC MAN 4
This better be good, gentile.
The Hasidic man rolls-up a prayer shawl tallis just in case the joke sucks.
GUY
(scrambles) What do you call a goy who does his own taxes?
The men all look to each other puzzled.
The Hasidics all bust out laughing and slapping their knees.
HASIDIC MAN 3
(wiping tears) Very good, gentile. Very good!
He slaps Guy on the back while laughing. The Hasidics escort him further into the tunnels, shopping cart wheel squeaking.
HASIDIC MAN 2
Not bad, goy. Now walk. What comes next makes this look like a gift shop.
