Snider the Cat • The Wild Hunt | FUNNIES

Act 1: The Brave Declaration

Fresh morning dew on the rooftop, Snider the frosty orange cat sits at the edge like a general surveying his troops below. He sees the neighborhood animals lounging in the shade. Snider hops his way down to the ground and puffs his chest until his fur stands on end. He exhales through his nose sharply, flicking his tail like a whip.

SNIDER

Look at you all—cowering in the dirt like soft little housepets. — I’m heading into the wilderness for a proper hunt. Real prey. Real danger. Real glory.

PIG

What.

BULLDOG

(licking paw) Please say you're not serious right now.

SNIDER

Very serious. You'll see. I'll come back with a mouth full of rats.

SQUIRREL

(looks up from cracking nut) I wouldn't fight my cousin.

SNIDER

I'm not scared of your cousin.

SQUIRREL

I wouldn't fight my cousin.

SNIDER

Well, why not?

SQUIRREL

I'm just saying. I wouldn't fight my cousin.

BULLDOG

(paw scratching ear) He sounds pretty serious.

PIG

(trots up) You might not want to go. You've never been out there before.

SNIDER

Sure I have. Why… I've been to town with my owner, Jim. We go there all the time. He takes me with him, and I see all the things when I go.

PIG

(sits) That's not the same.

SNIDER

Sure it is..

BULLDOG

(gnawing rear) No, It's not.

PIG

You're gonna get hurt.

BULLDOG

(looks up) He'll be back in 5 minutes.

SNIDER

Uh! If I wanted any of your opinions, I'd ask for it. I'm going.

He walks up like a dictator, stops at the pig and bulldog, turns his head from them, then flicks his tail dismissively at them.

SNIDER

None of you have the spine to come along. Of course. Such a shame. I'm out to fend for myself. The wilderness only respects the bold… and that, my dear commoners, is me.

The pig snorts, trying to hold back laughter. Snider struts toward the tree line like royalty on red carpet. The others just watch. The pig exhales a silent laugh.

SNIDER

(over his shoulder) Don’t wait up. I’ll return with stories and treats.

BULLDOG

(nibbling his paw) We won't.

PIG

(snorts) Thanks for the warning.

The pig and bulldog just look at each other and laugh.

Act 2: The Wilderness Hunt

Deep in the underbrush, Snider’s confidence and swagger slowly fades with each step deeper into the wilderness. A cool breeze hits Snider. He shakes it off. A leaf falls next to him, he jumps back. A low growl from the shadows, he freezes mid-step. Something large rustles in the bush. He spins, back arched, fur exploding outward.

SNIDER

(whisper-yelling) Who’s there?! Show yourself, peasant creature!

A pair of glowing eyes blink. Then another. Then a third. A fourth. Snider is wide-eyed and scurries away hissing. He looks back and crashes through brush, trips over roots, and gets slammed into a puddle.

SNIDER

(peeps fur) …Ah, yuck! Drats. Whatever am I going to do?

He gets up, shakes, and stretches the mud and water off. He looks up from peering at his fur — only to come face-to-face with a rat the size of a small dog. Muscular. Unmoved.

SNIDER

(tiny voice) You’re not supposed to be that… big.

The rat just stares. Snider’s tail puffs like a bottlebrush. He backs away so fast that he tumbles back and rolls straight into a thorn bush that wraps around him and suddenly, he can't move.

SNIDER

Ow, oou, oh. (defeated) This is no good.

Time passes by as Snider is stuck in the thornbush. A family of raccoons inspect him to no end, poke him, and move on. A tiny tufted titmouse bird repeatedly steals patches of Snider's fur for its nest. Snider is defenseless and meowing. A woodpecker then pecks him on the head so many times that Snider loses his mind. Hours later, snider finally escapes the bush and starts limping his way back to the timberline.

Act 3: The Hero Returns

Back at the farm, Snider limps in — covered in mud, leaves, thorns, and one very determined beetle still riding his head. Snider freaks and swats him off. The beetle dusts himself off, turns his pinchers up, and trots off. The other animals gather, wide-eyed.

SQUIRREL

Snider?! What happened to you?

SNIDER

(smirking through the grime) Oh, nothing much. Just a little… professional disagreement with the local wildlife. — If you think this is something, you should have really seen the other guys. They did not fair as well as I.

He tries to sit regally, but a clump of his hair falls off. The younger animals look impressed anyway.

PUPPY

Wow. You're some kind of hero!

SNIDER

Well, I wouldn't say a hero.

PIG

(cuts in) Me either.

PUPPY

How bad did you rough em up?

BULLDOG

Rough them up? You've got to be joking. He looks like he just had an atomic bomb dropped right on top of his head.

PIG

I was thinking the same thing.

BULLDOG

(drops hind to sit) So… what happened, Snider?

PIG

Yeah… did you come back with any of those stories or treats?

Snider’s face drains.

SNIDER

Well, I may have encountered a few setbacks.

BULLDOG

(tilts head) A few?

SNIDER

Okay, so there was this rat—

BULLDOG

Big one? Muscles? Looks like he bench-presses Texas-size acorns?

SQUIRREL

(hops around foraging) That's my cousin. You didn't fight him, did you?

SNIDER

(deflating) Yes. No. I mean… yes, I saw him, and it was definitely him, but no, I didn't fight him.

PIG

Well, you look like you did.

SNIDER

Well, I didn't…

PUPPY

Why not?

SNIDER

I didn't have to.

PUPPY

Were you scared?

SNIDER

No. It was quite the opposite. He was the one scared of me.

PIG

Bologna.

SNIDER

You don't have to believe me.

BULLDOG

Talks big and comes back looking like a used mop. Snider — If I could write, I'd scribble this down, publish it, and become a bestseller.

The pig rolls in the mud laughing.

BULLDOG

Snider — Did you learn anything today?

SNIDER

Yes. I learned that my time is better wasted not talking to the likes of you two.

Snider struts off.

PIG

Suit yourself.

PUPPY

Where is Snider going?

BULLDOG

Not far.

The raven lands on a fence post, shaking his head.

RAVEN

Moral of the story? Big talk may be cheap. But, the wilderness always keeps the receipts.