Act 1: The Midnight Droppings
A quiet suburban house at 2:17 a.m. Snow gently falls. The living room is decorated with twinkling lights, a perfect tree, and a plate of fresh chocolate chip cookies with a tall glass of milk and a handwritten note. Jolly Old Saint Nick's reindeer land and he hops off the sleigh.
SAINT NICK
Ho ho ho… oof… Dasher, watch the antler!
Saint Nick shakes it off and slides down the chimney in a puff of soot, he lands perfectly, sack over shoulder. He spots the cookies and his eyes light up like runway lights.
SAINT NICK
Well, well, well… someone actually baked the good ones. With the sea salt flakes. My favorite.
He grabs the plate and starts power-eating cookies like a competitive eater. Crumbs rain down. Milk disappears in three giant gulps.
SAINT NICK
(mouth full) Mmmph. These are dangerously good. (reads) “For Jolly Old Saint Nick: We left you some Almond Milk. Hope you don't mind!”
His face drops.
SAINT NICK
Almond Milk? I'm allergic. I'm gonna shat my pants!
Saint Nick throws his big red bag and runs to the bathroom while holding his hat.
Act 2: Christmas Morning
Saint Nick exits the bathroom. A deep gurgling flush is heard.
SAINT NICK
Well that's one lump of coal I won't be missing.
He picks up his big red bag.
SAINT NICK
That could have been bad. I would have had to derail Christmas. Could you imagine the looks on all the children's faces when they don't see any presents under the tree in the morning? Gosh.
Nick starts digging around in his sack.
SAINT NICK
Let's see. This is Jay's house? He's gettin' coal this year.
He pulls out a lump of coal.
SAINT NICK
(sighs) Burdens me to have to do this.
He puts the coal in a stocking labeled "JAY" and frumps his face.
SAINT NICK
But, you shouldn't be kicking your next door neighbor's puppy.
He puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head.
SAINT NICK
Oh, well. Maybe next year.
Saint Nick turns around and starts shimmying up the chimney.
The sun is rising. Jay runs downstairs to see the coal-filled stocking and the empty plate and glass. He stops short and rubs his eyes.
JAY
Awe, man… I got coal this year. Ahh, no! No!
Jay's dad walks down the stairs.
JAY
Dad, I got coal this year?
DAD
Yeah, I guess so. Jeez. That's a toughy.
Jay's dad walks over to the bathroom and flips the switch.
DAD
Hey, did you leave the doo doo fan running all night?
