Pentagon Shenans • The Leak King | FUNNIES

Act 1: The Secure Briefing

A dimly lit Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility (SCIF). Senator Bobby “Warhawk” Hawkins sits at the table with a notepad, grinning like a kid with a secret. General “Mama” Madeline Maddox stands at the front giving a classified briefing on a new stealth drone program. A giant red “CLASSIFIED – EYES ONLY” folder sits in front of Hawkins.

GENERAL MADDOX

Senator, this information does not leave this room. No calls, no texts, no “anonymous sources.” Understood?

SENATOR HAWKINS

(innocently) Oh, of course, General. I’m like a vault. A regular old Fort Knox with a neat little lapel pin. See?

Hawkins points to his lapel while grinning. Maddox turns to point at the screen, Hawkins slowly pulls his phone out and holds it under the table.

Act 2: The Sneaky Leak

Hawkins starts typing furiously under the table, trying to look casual.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(whispering to himself) Ahh, just one little tweet… it'll just be from an anonymous account… nobody will know it’s me. Heh heh heh.

General Maddox suddenly spins around. Hawkins freezes mid-type, wide-eyed, phone half-hidden.

GENERAL MADDOX

Senator Hawkins. What did I just say about phones in the SCIF?

SENATOR HAWKINS

(sweating) Oh, this? Heh heh. Oh, this is just for my granddaughter’s birthday. Very important. National security, really.

Maddox marches over, snatches the phone, and reads the draft tweet out loud.

GENERAL MADDOX

“Sources close to the program confirm the new drone can do loopty-loops.” (looks sharply at Hawkins) Real subtle, Bobby.

Act 3: The Full Meltdown

The entire room goes dead silent. Hawkins turns bright red.

SENATOR HAWKINS

It was just a joke! I wasn’t really gonna post it! I have oversight! I have constituents!

General Maddox slowly rolls up the classified folder like a newspaper.

GENERAL MADDOX

You have five seconds to delete that draft and apologize to every person in this room that trusted you to keep this a secret.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(panicking) I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Please don’t tell my wife… She'll kill me!

Maddox hands the phone back after deleting the tweet herself.

GENERAL MADDOX

Good boy… Now sit down and shut up. And keep your fingers away from anything that transmits.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(mumbling, defeated) Yes, ma’am…

Act 4: The Reprimand

A formal conference room. Senator Hawkins now sits at the end of a long table like a naughty schoolboy, twiddling his thumbs and swinging his feet. General Maddox stands at the head of the table holding a thick folder. Two stone-faced officials from the Intelligence Oversight Committee sit on either side, staring him down.

CHAIRMAN ADAMS

Senator Hawkins, this is your fourth leak attempt this month. We are issuing a formal reprimand.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(whining) It was just a tweet! I didn’t even hit send! Technically, I’m innocent!

General Maddox slams the folder on the table. Hawkins jumps.

GENERAL MADDOX

Senator Hawkins! You had the draft typed and ready. That’s premeditated stupidity!

DIRECTOR O'HARA

Hawkins, you are hereby banned from all SCIFs for 30 days and required to attend a classified information handling class. Is that understood, Senator?

SENATOR HAWKINS

(pouting) A class?! I’m a United States Senator! I don’t need training wheels! I'm good…

Maddox leans in close, eyes narrowed.

GENERAL MADDOX

Good? (walks near) You're good? You potentially put service members in danger. The punishment stands. You'll attend these classes, or I'll be filing with the Ethics Committee.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(defeated, small voice) Yes, ma’am…

The two officials slide over a bright yellow “LEAK RISK” sticker. Maddox peels it and slaps it on his lapel.

CHAIRMAN ADAMS

Wear this visibly at all times. Consider it your new badge of shame.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(looking down at the sticker, mumbling) This is political persecution… I’m gonna tweet about this…

Everyone stares at him in disbelief.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(quickly) …Sorry.