Act 1: The SCIF
In a wood-paneled secure room in the Pentagon, Senator Bobby “Warhawk” Hawkins (73, balding, oversized American flag lapel pin) sits at the table eyeing a giant glass cookie jar labeled “ONGOING MILITARY OPERATIONS – DO NOT TOUCH, OR ELSE.” A four-star General, "Mama" Madeline Maddox, is standing watch. Hawkins writhes his hands like a greedy fly.
SENATOR HAWKINS
Just one little peek at the special forces raid in Yemen? Nobody’ll notice!
His hand slowly creeps toward the jar.
GENERAL MADDOX
Senator Robert James Hawkins.
*SMACK* She slaps his hand with a rolled-up classified folder.
SENATOR HAWKINS
OWCHIES! I’m a United States Senator!
GENERAL MADDOX
And I’m the adult in the room. Hands where I can see them, Mister.
SENATOR HAWKINS
But the cookies—I mean drones—they look so shiny and new!
He tries again. *SMACK*
SENATOR HAWKINS
Moooom! I mean Miss Maddox! I'm not doing anything!
GENERAL MADDOX
What did I say about unauthorized kinetic action?
SENATOR HAWKINS
That… it's off limits to a schmuck like me?
GENERAL MADDOX
Exactly! Now sit your happy ass back down in that chair before I smack you around like you owe me money, Mister "Senator".
Act 2: The Woodshed
Later, in the White House Situation Room. The jar is now on the table in front of the President himself. Hawkins sits in the corner sulking over his recent reprimand.
SENATOR HAWKINS
That nasty ol' Miss Maddox. I've gotta do something about this. Hey, Mr President… If I promise to read the intelligence assessment—can I have a peek at just one carrier strike report?
PRESIDENT
Bobby, you’ve been warned about this three times already.
Hawkins crosses his arms, exhudes disdain and huffs.
GENERAL MADDOX
Hmmph. Brat.
Hawkins sneaks his hand toward the jar again. General Maddox towers over him with a clipboard.
GENERAL MADDOX
Don’t you even dare.
Hawkins reaches in defiantly. *WHACK*
SENATOR HAWKINS
YEOWCH! This is cruel and unusual punishment! I'm gonna… I have oversight authority you know!
GENERAL MADDOX
And I have the authority to smack the living crap out of you. Would you like me to exercize that, Mr Hawkins?
SENATOR HAWKINS
No ma’am.
GENERAL MADDOX
Good boy. Now apologize to the joint chiefs for trying to stick your nose where it doesn't belong!
Everybody stops and looks at Hawkins with a stare of disapproval.
SENATOR HAWKINS
(mumbling) Sorry.
