Act 1: Civilian on Tour
Senator Bobby “Warhawk” Hawkins, wearing a baseball cap, oversized sunglasses, and a fake mustache, sneaks into a public White House tour group. A cheerful tour guide leads them down a hallway lined with presidential portraits. Every portrait is a crude crayon drawing clearly made by children—wobbly lines, stick figures, and giant heads, scratchy hair.
TOUR GUIDE
And here we have our presidential portrait gallery! Each one was drawn by local schoolchildren as part of the “Future Leaders Art Program.” Aren’t they charming?
SENATOR HAWKINS
(muttering, phone out) This is an outrage. The President’s letting kindergarteners run the art department? I’m about to go viral with this… “White House Decorated by Toddlers – Is This What Winning Looks Like?”
Hawkins is typing furiously, smirking behind his fake stache.
STAFF MEMBER
(squinting) Wait… Senator Hawkins? Is that you behind that Groucho Marx getup?
The entire tour group turns. Phones whip out. Flashes go off.
TOURIST
Oh my gosh, it’s Warhawk Hawkins!
SENATOR HAWKINS
(pockets phone, panics) Uh—yes! Just a humble citizen enjoying democracy in action! No funny business here, folks. Carry on with the tour!
He waves awkwardly and forces a big diplomatic smile as people cheer and snap selfies with him.
Act 2: Off-Limits
Later, the group approaches a beautiful room with ornate doors. A velvet rope and a sign: “CHINA ROOM – TEMPORARILY CLOSED FOR RENOVATION.”
TOUR GUIDE
Unfortunately the China Room is off limits today due to some light construction. But there’s plenty to see in the West Wing…
SENATOR HAWKINS
(throws a fit) Off limits?! This is the people's house! I demand entry! What are they hiding in there?!
Hawkins touches the rope, then pulls out his phone and livestreams.
SENATOR HAWKINS
China Room sealed off, huh? Coincidence, or CCP influence? Asking for 330 million Americans…
Act 3: The Standoff
Hawkins ducks under the velvet rope. A Sergeant at Arms steps forward, blocking the door.
SERGEANT AT ARMS
Senator, the China Room is closed. Return to the West Wing where the tour is still active. That’s an order, sir.
SENATOR HAWKINS
An order?! I’m a United States Senator! I demand to know what's going on. This is clearly an act of war! How come I wasn't informed?
Hawkins tries to push past. The Sergeant firmly puts a hand to his chest to stop him. Hawkins pushes forward again anyway. The Sergeant holds firm and pushes back. Hawkins flails, but the Sergeant grabs him by the collar.
SERGEANT AT ARMS
Sir, you are disrupting a public tour in a federal building. Do I need to cite the regulations to you, Senator?
SENATOR HAWKINS
(scoffs) Uh! This is tyranny! I just wanted to see the china! The people deserve to see the china!
Hawkins, with phone in hand, pushes past again. With one swift motion, the Sergeant escorts him out the side entrance and tosses him onto the lawn. His phone flies out after him and smashes on the pavement.
SENATOR HAWKINS
I will be filing a report with the Ethics Committee!
Hawkins picks his phone up and tries to wake it up. The cracked screen flickers and dies. Hawkins does the walk of shame.
SENATOR HAWKINS
(muttering) Welp… there goes my dignity!
