Act 1: Shabbos Evening
Inside a crowded synagogue hall during Shabbos dinner. Guy (now wearing a borrowed yarmulke and looking increasingly uncomfortable) sits at a long table surrounded by Hasidic men and families. Everyone is chatting in Yiddish and English. No phones are visible.
GUY
(nervously pulling out his phone) Okay, just gonna check the score real quick—
Three men immediately reach over and gently but firmly take the phone from his hands.
HASIDIC MAN 1
No phones on Shabbos, my friend. Not even for the goy.
GUY
(laughing nervously) Whoa, okay… strict house rules. I can hang. I’m adaptable. I once went a whole weekend without Wi-Fi… well, almost.
HASIDIC MAN 2
(chuckling) Oy… that must have been torture for a goy. No phone, no scrolling, no liking pictures of cats. How did you survive?
HASIDIC MAN 3
(grimacing through a grin) These goyim are addicted! (motioning palms up) They can’t even eat without checking the little glowing rectangle. (shaking his head) It’s like their new god.
GUY
(forcing a big laugh) Ha! Yeah, totally… we’re all just dopamine junkies with anxiety. (nervous chuckle) Good thing I’m here with you guys now. Totally safe. Right?
The Guy laughs it off, but his eyes dart around the table nervously.
Act 2: Things Get Weird
The Guy watches, growing more uncomfortable, as everyone strictly follows Shabbos rules: no one flips a light switch or touches anything electric, they tear the challah bread apart by hand instead of using a knife, and the whole table suddenly bursts into loud, rhythmic Hebrew singing.
GUY
(whispering to himself) No lights, no phones, no bacon… what year is this?
A man nearby starts rocking back and forth in intense prayer. Another pours wine while singing in Hebrew.
GUY
(nervous chuckles) So… when do I get my official membership card? Do I have to sign in blood or is regular ink okay?
Everyone stops mid action.
GUY
Kidding! Totally kidding!
The men at the table exchange glances then slowly resume what they were doing. One quietly mutters in Yiddish while eyeing a loaf of challah.
Act 3: The Beat
The table goes quieter. A few men start whispering among themselves, fingers inching toward the bread loaves like they’re considering “correcting” him again.
HASIDIC MAN 2
(muttering) This goy… he’s making too many jokes. Maybe we need the bread again.
The Guy notices and panics internally but keeps smiling nervously. He raises his hands quickly.
GUY
(sweating) Whoa—whoa, easy with the carbs, fellas! Look, I get it… But, goyim like me don’t deserve kosher bread anyway… we’d probably just use it to make a BLT!
The whole table pauses for a beat… then explodes in loud laughter and back-slapping. The men put the bread down and cheer.
HASIDIC MAN 3
(laughing hard) He gets it! He actually gets it!
The Guy laughs along nervously. The men pull him closer into the circle for more singing.
