Dirty Cop • Pop Trunk Wave | FUNNIES

Act 1: The Routine

KALI KING

Swoop, you see this fool ridin’ dirty with one taillight out? Bet money he got warrants longer than your rap sheet.

CRIS SWOOP

Man, you been lookin' up my record, mother f*cker?

KALI KING

F*ck you mean, Cris?

CRIS SWOOP

Quit playin' with me, fool. Just flip them lights.

KALI KING

F*ckin' white boy.

KALI KING

F*ck is it with you callin' me white all the time?

KALI KING

I'm a nigga, I do what I want.

Cruiser lights flip on. Cruiser pulls over a beat-up gray Impala on the side of the highway. Two nervous vatos in front sweat like they just ran a marathon. Kali gets out of the cruiser and walks up.

KALI KING

License and registration. And kill that mariachi music, sounds like the trumpet player is havin’ an asthma attack.

DRIVER

Officer, I-I ain’t do nothin’.

Cris walks up the the other side and puts his flashlight all around in the car.

CRIS SWOOP

Yeah, and my daddy ain't dead. Step out the car, both of y’all. Hands where I can see ‘em.

KALI KING

(whispers over the cruiser wide-eyed) Swoop, you gotta reason to be pulling them out?

CRIS SWOOP

Hell yeah I do. Watch this.

KALI KING

This mother f*cker. Get out of the car, sir.

The car doors open and Kali sniffs the air hard, frowns.

KALI KING

Hmm. You smell that? That ain’t regular weed. That’s that loud mixed with… Febreeze? Cris Call K-9, this ride rankin', bruh.

Cris walks to the cruiser and hits his radio.

CRIS SWOOP

(on radio) 2-Lincoln-19, roll Greg and Niner to my location, possible narcotics.

Kali has the driver come around the back of the car.

KALI KING

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to sit down.

DRIVER

Okay. Where at?

KALI KING

On the curb right here. Both of you.

CRIS SWOOP

I'm gonna search the whip.

KALI KING

Y'all better hope he don't find nothin'. He's like a bloodhound.

PASSENGER

He ain't gonna find nothin'.

CRIS SWOOP

Better hope not.

Cris opens the car door with flashlight in hand looking around.

Act 2: Backup Arrives

Big black SWAT Tahoe screeches up. Door flies open. Greg steps out in full kit, black Oakleys, his all black German Shepherd Niner bouncing and barking.

GREG

Y’all are lucky, Niner's been bitchin’ all day cuz no action.

KALI KING

Well, we gonna need him, cuz I gotta know what's in that trunk.

GREG

Aight. Niner, let's go.

Niner jumps out with his tongue out and sits. Greg puts on the leash. Cris comes out of the front of the car with a baggy.

CRIS SWOOP

Looky what I found.

GREG

Well butter my biscuits. We got us a winner. Niner.

Greg taps the trunk. Niner sniffs, sits, and stares up at Greg while his tail is wagging like crazy.

KALI KING

Pop it.

Cris pops the trunk and it creaks open. A young duct-taped woman is inside, gagged, eyes wide. Bricks of heroin stacked around her.

PASSENGER

Oh shit—

DRIVER

That ain’t ours! She just— she asked for a ride!

KALI KING

Uhh, Uber Black don’t come with duct tape and a trunk subscription, bro.

GREG

Human trafficking and about forty kilos? Y’all done graduated from street thugs to federally fucked. Niner, good boy—here's your reward.

Niner jumps up and grabs his Kong toy from Greg like it owes him money.

KALI KING

Swoop… good call on the stop, man.

CRIS SWOOP

I told you, man. I ain’t no cracker in some uniform. I know my s*it.

KALI KING

Aight, Swoopty-doo.

Greg pulls out his pocket knife and cuts the tape off of the woman. She hugs Greg and then walks over to Cris who is motioning for her to walk over to the EMS that arrived.

GREG

Y’all I'm out. Sun’s gettin’ low, and I still gotta feed Niner before he goes on strike again.

Kali and Cris laugh as they are cuffing the traffickers. Cris and Kali put them in the cruiser.

KALI KING

Greg, Good lookin’.

GREG

I know I am.

Greg walks to his Tahoe and pops the back. Niner jumps in and Greg locks the cage.

CRIS SWOOP

You know we could call a different K-9 unit, right?

GREG

But, then I don't get my bonus.

KALI KING

Yeah, f*ck out of here…

Greg smiles as he closes the back of the Tahoe. Gets in, starts it up and looks at Kali and Cris and makes a goofy face as he turns his lights on and puts it in gear.