Alligator Hunters • On Da Bayou | FUNNIES

Act 1: Choot Um!

ANNOUNCER

Welcome to da bayou! Today we're following our most favorite hunters. Watch as we explore their day in the swamp.

Early morning on the bayou. Troi at the front of the boat, focused and intense. His son Shay stands beside him with the rifle.

TROI

(thick Cajun accent) Look dere, Chay! Gaw, dassa big wun! Big ol’ fo'teen foota on dat bank rite dere! We got to get um.

The gator slides into the water. Troi slows his boat and looks around. Troi spots its eyes pop up.

TROI

(whispers) Dere he is! (louder) Choot um, Chay! Choot um good!

Shay concentrates and fires. He misses.

SHAY

Stop movin' da boat, bruh!

TROI

It's too late, he dun went unda da watuh. (scans the water) Look, dere he is! Choot um, Chay!

Shay aims, then fires. The gator thrashes hard, goes stiff and starts sinking.

TROI

Das my baw! Good shot, ma sha. Now let’s pull dis big boy in ‘fore he sinks fa good. We eatin’ da allagatuh ta'nite, baw! Look how many we done got…

The boat is overflowing with dead gators and is riding ridiculously low. The father and son high-five. They haul the gator aboard and the boat is taking on water.

TROI

We got tu take dees to da pick'em up truck.

SHAY

Yeh, baw!

Troi and Shay take off down the bayou.

Act 2: Spray & Pray

Further down the swamp. Willy, is holding a treble hook in the boat with his dad Junebug holding the rifle.

JUNEBUG

Look da bubbles right dere. Trow da hook, Willy!

WILLY

Paw, jus let me do my job. I'ma throw it.

JUNEBUG

Well trow it den, hurry up! I ain't got all day, bah!

WILLY

I'm throwin' it!

Willy tosses the hook at the bubbles. It splashes in the water and Willy starts dragging.

WILLY

He's hooked!

JUNEBUG

Well, pull um up den!

WILLY

(struggling) I'm tryin!

Willy gets jerked to the side of the boat.

JUNEBUG

You jus' gonna let um pull you in?

WILLY

(fights back) No!

Willy pulls the gator up to the surface.

WILLY

(getting thrashed) Hurry up and shoot um, paw! The hook is slippin!

The gator gives up and floats to the top. Junebug excitedly fires multiple rapid shots. Bullets bounce off the gator’s hide and spray Willy.

WILLY

Ow! Ow! Dang it, Paw! You sprayed me again!

JUNEBUG

Quit yer cryin’, bah! Dat gator’s done! We got us a monster… Now load em up before I lose my cool.

The gator floats belly-up. Willy rubs fresh welts while Junebug celebrates.

WILLY

Man… This the last time I'm hunting with you. I got to get my own boat.

JUNEBUG

P'sheyit. You couldn't run your own boat even if I paid for it.

WILLY

You wanna bet? I can pull more gators than you. And… I won't be gettin shot no mo.

JUNEBUG

Gettin shot? Bah, you cry about anythang.

WILLY

We finna see who's cryin' when I pull in dem big gators and you ain't got the haul I got. Watch…

JUNEBUG

(falsetto) We'll see… Pull this gator in like I said and quit yer whinin. I'll get you that new boat.

WILLY

Yeah? Well, you better…

Willy is wiping his eye and stink-facing his dad. He pulls the gator in the boat. His dad sits down and reloads his rifle.

Act 3: Sacred Hunt

JP and JR are riding in an airboat. Both white guys dressed in over-the-top “Native” regalia.

JR

The ancestors are watching, my son. This gator carries the spirit of the ancient ones.

JP

I feel his power… Today, I take him down in the sacred waters.

JR

I'll grab da line.

JP lets out a dramatic war cry and leaps into the bayou.

JR

JP! What are you doing!?

Violent splashing. JP disappears under the water. JP surfaces riding the thrashing gator with a bowie knife clenched in his teeth. JP pulls the knife from his mouth, but the gator is thrashing and rolling.

JP

I can't hold on!

JR

Hold on! He's almost done!

JP

(getting ragdolled) I can't!

JR

Hang on for dear life, JP! You almost got em!

JP

(tossed left and right) Ahh!

JP gets deathrolled and then dragged under the water. Everything goes quiet. JR just stands there shocked. JP emerges holding his knife and yelling a warcry.

JR

We got em! The spirits smile upon us today. No man on this bayou hunts with greater honor.

JP

(soaking wet, proud) These other hunters on tha bayou could learn a ting a' two.

Act 4: Chock Full

Brute alone on his boat with his old dog. Shirtless in overalls, bulging belly, barefoot, frying bacon-wrapped snacks mid-hunt.

BRUTE

You see dis? Every hunter needs one of deez on dey boat. It's da only way tuh travel.

Brute shakes the fying pan to stir up his food.

BRUTE

P'shet, I don't never leave home without it. I got a stove, a pit, I got everything on the boat. Hell, I even got some snacks for my dog Wilder.

Brute pokes at the food in his open bbq pit. He pulls out a piece of sizzling meat and eats it.

BRUTE

(mouth full) See dat big’un over dere, boy? Paw’s gonna get ‘im… soon as I finish dis here bacon-wrapped gator tail dipped in deez here secret cajun seasonings.

Wilder pants tongue out. Brute picks the leftover food from his teeth with a toothpick and haphazardly aims one handed, and then casually shoots the floating gator.

BRUTE

Got ‘im! Time to pull dis sucker in da boat, Wilder… so we can get to fryin' em up.

Wilder stands at the side of the boat in anticipation.

BRUTE

Back up, Wilder. We got to get 'im on da boat furst.

Brute pulls the gator to the side of the boat. Wilder is wagging his tail and getting too close.

BRUTE

Back up, Wilder! This sucker's too heavy. I need to get da winch.

Brute starts winching the gator up.

BRUTE

(looking at the cam) I'd be lost without this thingy-majiggy. Dis mothersucker weighs almost a ton!

Brute gets the gator on board. Wilder gets to licking the dead gator.

BRUTE

(digging in his tacklebox) Wilder knows da drill. Good boy, Wilder… Here's a Ding Dong.

Brute tosses a Ding Dong to his dog and then puts his hands on his hips.

BRUTE

Wilder likes Ding Dongs. I do too… I like ta eat all types a' things. Doctor said I gotta watch my cholesterol… but, he ain’t never hunted da bayou. (smacks teeth) So…

Brute shrugs, then takes off down the bayou with his on-board grill smoking as he cruises away.