Act 1: Jungle Bungle
CAPTAIN FAQBAG
Alright you absolute dumpster raccoons, we're sneaking into the Nadi Jungle for the motherlode of pootanium. Quiet as a fart in church. Tommy, fire up the mech. Eli, you're driving.
Tommy fires up the mech suit and the engine starts sputtering.
Eli walks over to the mech suit.
Eli jumps in the suit, straps in, pulls the lid closed and immediately walks into a teal vine and faceplants the mech into an overgrown bush of glowing pollen. The pollen smears across the window of the suit and Eli starts to freak out. Eli frantically pushes buttons and pulls levers, but the suit's torso and legs start spinning in different directions and firing the arm-guns. Everyone ducks.
TOMMY
(intercom) Eli! What are you doing?!
ELI
(intercom) Ahh! How do I turn this thing off!?
TOMMY
(intercom) The button! Push the red button!
ELI
(intercom) What red button?
CAPTAIN FAQBAG
(intercom) The big one, you idiot!
Eli pushes the button and the suit immediately comes to a stop.
Act 2: Make A Hole
Tommy is finishing wiping down the mech suit. A pack of six-legged neon jungle cats are approaching the crew from a distance.
LINK AI
Incoming fauna. Probability of not getting mauled: 29%.
TOMMY
Cap, you might want to take over on the mech suit. I just reloaded her.
CAPTAIN FAQBAG
Plan on it.
Captain Faqbag jumps in the mech suit, straps in and closes the lid.
ELI
(intercom) Captain, you might want to be careful!
Captain Faqbag rolls his eyes and starts the mech suit. The suit sputters and moves forward to engage the jungle cats.
CAPTAIN FAQBAG
Let's clear a path before these jungle cats try and ruin our party.
The mech suit opens fire and clears the surroundings.
GRACE
(to herself) This is gonna piss off the Ta'di.
TOMMY
Hey! We have superior firepower. We're good.
GRACE
Yeah, well we had superior firepower the first time, and it didn't work then either. What makes you think it's gonna work this time?
Tommy is putting his tools away.
The mech goes full berserk, lasers, rockets, and spinning blades turning the dense jungle into smithereens. Leaves explode into confetti as the chaos dies down.
CAPTAIN FAQBAG
(intercom) Beautiful. Absolute devastation. This clearing has more potential than my last three marriages.
GRACE
(intercom) It's not like that's hard to do.
CAPTAIN FAQBAG
(intercom) Grace…
LINK AI
(cuts in) Your probability of getting mauled have dropped significantly, but not to zero. The jungle cats are fleeing!
Eli starts doing a disco victory dance.
Act 3: Tribal Beatdown
NEIRI
They turned our sacred Nadi Jungle into a massive bald spot!
EWYA
Call the other tribes! The Leaf-Flickers, the Root-Jammers, and those weirdos who wipe their butts on the trees!
Dozens of Ta'di and allied tribes pour out of the remaining forest, spears, vines, slings and every rock they can possibly carry. They get to the scene and surround the crew.
TA'DI ELDER
Sky scum! You have angered every ancestor, every bug, and our moss bush we were growing there that was almost sentient!
CAPTAIN FAQBAG
(intercom) Tommy, it's time to make it rain disappointment.
Tommy grabs a remote control and pushes a button. The lid to a motorized box sitting next to him opens up and raises two racks of missiles. The tribes scatter in chaos.
ELI
(intercom) They're on the run!
Tommy shoots a missile and misses completely, it spins in a circle and accidentally starts heading right back toward their camp.
CAPTAIN FAQBAG
(intercom) Tommy!
TOMMY
(intercom) I'm trying!
GRACE
(intercom) I told you this wasn't gonna work!
Grace braces for impact. Tommy smacks the remote against the box and it launches all of the rockets one at a time.
Tommy tries to block the missiles physically, but has second thoughts and gets out of the way.
CAPTAIN FAQBAG
(intercom) Oh, shit!
ELI
(intercom) Everybody, run!
The scene pans out to show huge explosions booming one after another.
Act 4: Checking Out
The smoke from the explosions clears. Tommy peeks out from behind a tree all covered in soot.
Captain Faqbag slinks out of the damaged mech suit.
CAPTAIN FAQBAG
Yeah, I'm alright. Grace!? Eli!?
Eli climbs out from under the suit.
ELI
Yeah, I'm okay. Grace!?
Grace comes out of hiding.
CAPTAIN FAQBAG
Let's get out of here before the Ta'di show back up. Link?
Link boots back up and progress lights start flashing.
Captain Faqbag tucks his muscle shirt back in.
CAPTAIN FAQBAG
Send us the ship. It's time to return home.
LINK AI
Consider it done.
The ship flies in and drops a ladder. Everyone scrambles up while Tommy's mech lays on the ground twitching and sparking. Tommy gets to the top and looks down on the wreckage heartbroken.
TOMMY
She was too pure for this planet…
Captain Faqbag pats Tommy on the shoulder, soot clouds rise.
CAPTAIN FAQBAG
(sighs) We'll get em next time, Tommy. But for now, at least we have a decent clearing.
LINK AI
Extraction successful. Clearing diameter: impressive. Remaining trees: zero. Drones inbound for salvage.
The Ta'di all watch in unison as the ship flies away.
TA'DI ELDER
They'll be back... and next time we'll be ready, with even bigger rocks.
NEIRI
And when they do, we'll actually use them.
Ewya raises her rock, yelling at the ship as it flies away.
