Carni Doody • Lobby Purge | FUNNIES

Act 1: Pre-Match Purge

Dark bedroom with streamer lighting. Tyler "LYNX" (hoodie, headset mic down, screen glaring) loads into a Carni Doody lobby. He cracks his knuckles.

LYNX

Welcome back to the greatest show on Earth, where I spray em and slay em. Tonight, we're launching into Carni Doody Multiplayer. This should be fun!

The map voting begins. Blowtown VS Dooktown. Everybody votes Dooktown.

LYNX (voice chat, aggressive)

Alright, Dooktown. Better not be no cheaters. Cuz, cheaters will get reported. Straight up. I bang clips. My people love it.

Players back out. Names disappear from the list: CoDKing, SweatyTryhard420, CronusWangy, XiMmieMouse. Lobby drops from 12 to 6 in mere seconds.

LYNX

(smirking, leans back) Yeah… that's what I thought. Cowards. Come on. Let's get this dub, team.

RANDOM LOBBY GUY (voice chat)

Bro scared the whole squad away.

LYNX

Good…

Act 2: The Infiltration

Match starts. LYNX pops off—headshots, teabags campers. Scoreboard shows him 8-1 early. Chat is hyped. His squad is playing the objective strong and they're winning.

LYNX

Stay locked in, boys. 2 on B!

LYNX keeps slaying—his score climbs to 12-2. Then it starts… He gets hit through walls, one-tapped by the invisible man, moon-jumped on and shot from impossible angles.

LYNX

Oh bullshit! He magically knew I was there? What is it with this s*it?

Next death: Enemy instantly lasers him from across map that wasn't even looking his direction.

LYNX

What is this movement? Really?

LYNX'S CHAT

No way!

Enemy dives into the scene while spraying perfect headshots on LYNX's entire team. He checks leaderboard. He's 12-10.

LYNX'S CHAT

Clip that!

LYNX notices the chat and then looks at the leaderboard.

LYNX

Clip that? Wait… StreamSniper, XIM_Warrior, CronusDemon, OverlayPete, iuseaimbot?! Ahh! Stream snipers. Man…

LYNX immediately starts spamming cheater reports. His character gets killed by a spawn camper.

LYNX

And this is exactly why I'm reporting you.

Act 3: Post-Match

Post-game lobby. LYNX also reports his own teammates who all went suspiciously positive. Voice chat ignites.

LYNX

Say goodbye to your accounts, losers.

AIMGOD (smug)

You went 14-24.

LYNX

And? You cheated.

AIMGOD (smug)

You went 14 and 24.

LYNX

What… are you stuck on stupid over there? Is that all you're gonna say? (mocks) 'YoU wEnT 24 aNd 14. YoU wEnT 24 aNd 14. Dert!'

LYNX's head dances around while he mocks.

LYNX

Seriously. Do you think that I actually care? I've been playing this game for 18 years. This is not my first ro-de-o, Haus.

LYNX smiles and waits… Crickets.

LYNX

Oh, and I noticed you're silent, too. I mean, I wouldn't say anything back to me either after getting called out so hard. You got reported. Say goodbye to your accounts.

AIMGOD (smug)

Oh, my God. He's still going?

LYNX

Yeah I'm still going. As a matter of fact, I'm still here waiting for you to say something intelligent. But, I get the feeling that I'd be waiting around all day… Imagine that.

Two devs in hoodies hover over a monitor showing LYNX's report tickets.

DEV 1

Yo… LYNX just reported the ENTIRE lobby.

DEV 2

The entire lobby?

DEV 1

Yes. And before you ask, Tiffany's watching his stream again and she's in there dying laughing at him roasting… everyone.

Tiffany walks in watching her phone.

LYNX

Boy, I got all day. What you trying to say, cheater?

Tiffany laughs. Dev 2 looks over at Dev 1 and smirks.

DEV 2

He's killing it.

Notification pops on LYNX's screen: "We've taken action against the players reported."

LYNX

See, chat? I told y'all. Look at 'em now. Ban wave, baby! That's what you get, 'AimGod'. Fricken' herb.

Fade out on LYNX smiling on stream.

LYNX

Mission successful, chat.