He cut me out of the briefings! Again! Secretary Hegeman just waltzes in, talks like he actually knows what a SCIF is for, and then has the nerve to say my “suggestions” are “not helpful.” Me! A United States Senator!

Bobby, the man was a special forces officer for twenty years. Maybe he’s just… doing the job?

(spinning around) Doing the job?! He’s doing my job! Oversight is my job! He even told the Joint Chiefs to stop answering my late-night texts. And not to mention kicking the press of the Pentagon? That’s tyranny! That’s… why, that’s a coup against me!

(notices) What!?

Have you thought about… impeaching him?

(mischievously) Impeach him… — That’s it! That’s brilliant! That’s genius! Why didn’t I think of that sooner?!

Senator, sources say the idea came from a constituent meeting last night. Is that accurate?

(scoffs) Constituents? Please. This was my idea from the start. I woke up at 3 a.m. with a vision of Hegeman's impeachment. The people just agreed with my genius… per usual.

You have the articles drafted already?

Oh, yeah! They’re being typed as we speak. By me. Mentally. This is historic leadership in real time.

We play along with Bobby’s impeachment circus so it looks like we’re united. Meanwhile, we quietly bury the articles in committee and make sure the whole thing collapses in open court. Bobby takes the fall, Hegeman stays, we look reasonable.

And when it blows up, we all act shocked that Bobby went off the reservation again. Clean hands.

Senator Hawkins, your motion alleges the Secretary “usurped senatorial authority by answering questions competently.” Do you have any actual legal basis, or…

Your Honor, the man looked at me and said “that’s not how any of this works.” That’s clear defiance and intimidation!

…Why are half your co-sponsors sitting with the defense?

We’re here to testify that we were misled, Your Honor. Senator Hawkins told us in confidence that the Secretary had personally blocked troop funding. Upon further investigation into the matter, it turns out that he… did not.

Senator Hawkins. Yes or no: did you tell your constituents I was “running a coup from within the Pentagon”?

I said it was like a coup. Metaphorically. In a sense. Depending on how you define—

Yes or no. You said it. We have the video. Now. Did you, or did you not claim on national television that the impeachment articles were entirely your original idea?

(sweating) I refined the idea. Leadership is refinement.

Your own party just testified under oath that you fabricated the central claim. Your articles have been withdrawn. Your co-sponsors have disavowed you. And you are currently under an ethics complaint for lying to the court yesterday. Is any of that inaccurate?

…No, sir.

Good. Then we’re done. You can go explain to the American people why you wasted their time. Or don’t. Either way, the door’s that way.

(cooing) Ohhh, Bobby. My sweet boy. Did that mean old Hegeman hurt your feelings again?

(muffled sniffling) They all turned on me. Even the ones who said I was a visionary…

Don’t you listen to them. You’re a fighter, Bobby. A hero. (pinches) Mama’s got you. We’ll get you a brand-new narrative by tomorrow. How’s that sound, sweetheart?

(small voice) Can I have another primetime segment?

(smiling) Of course you can. Anything for my boy.

(sucks thumb) Mmph.