Karen Crusade • Grocery Guerilla | FUNNIES

Act 1: Traitor Joe's

Karen walks into Trader Joe’s wearing her Live Laugh Love sweatshirt and oversized sunglasses. She stops just inside the entrance and looks around like she’s inspecting a crime scene.

KAREN

Traitor Joe's. That’s what this place should be called. Look at all these people just shopping like nothing’s wrong. They have to pay for this.

CREW MEMBER

Welcome in. Need help finding anything?

KAREN

I need people to stop supporting this place. They're all traitors for shopping here. And you working here speaks volumes.

Karen walks past the employee. She raises her sunglasses to the top of her head, pulls out her phone and starts recording a woman looking at all the flowers.

KAREN

See this? This is what a traitor looks like. I’m posting this so everyone knows who shops at Traitor Joe's.

WOMAN

What? I don’t care what you do with that. I'm just smelling flowers.

KAREN

You should care! This is going on the internet! You’re out here getting a good whiff of all this deceit, and I can smell it plainly from here. Just wait… you’re gonna be famous for being a traitor!

The woman makes a strange face, ignores her and walks away. Karen looks annoyed and turns her phone toward the next person in the aisle.

Act 2: Sample Station

Karen follows a guy holding a sample cup of soup. She gets right next to him and starts recording his face.

KAREN

Look at this guy taking free samples at Traitor Joe's. He sold his soul for a free sample. Smile for the camera.

GUY

Lady, you can shove that phone up your butt for all I care.

KAREN

What did you just say to me?! I’m recording this! You’re gonna regret that!

GUY

I already said I don’t care. Record whatever you want.

Karen gets louder. A crew member approaches while the guy calmly walks away with his sample.

CREW MEMBER

Excuse me. Is everything okay?

KAREN

Did you hear what he said to me?! This place lets people talk to customers like that? I want a manager!

CREW MEMBER

Ma’am, you’re filming other customers without their permission. That’s not allowed here. We're going to have to ask you to put the phone away.

KAREN

I'll do what I want.

Karen walks away as the crew member is stuck in pure shock.

Act 3: Freezer Burn

Karen moves to the frozen aisle and starts recording a mom with a cart full of food. The mom notices immediately.

MOM

What are you doing?

KAREN

Another traitor. Look at all this food. Supporting Traitor Joe's with her whole paycheck. Wave to the camera.

MOM

Uhg. I’m not waving. And I don’t care if you post that either. — Can you stop pointing that at my kids?

KAREN

Your kids are going to grow up to be traitors just like you! This is going viral! Everyone’s gonna see this!

MOM

Cool. Have fun with that. Kids, c'mon… we’re leaving this aisle now.

The mom turns her cart around. Karen keeps filming and following her from behind.

KAREN

Does your husband know you're shopping here?! When I post this on social media, everyone's gonna know that you shop at Traitor Joe's!

The mom turns around and covers her kid's ears.

MOM

My husband is dead! Now, leave me and my kids alone. What in the world is actually wrong with you?

KAREN

Maybe if you weren’t shopping at Traitor Joe's your husband might still be— you know what? Never mind. Just smile.

The mom makes an angry-shocked face, puts her kids in the cart and pushes on. Karen keeps yelling as she's following. A manager finally shows up.

MANAGER

Ma’am, you need to put the phone down and stop harassing the customers.

KAREN

I’m not harassing anyone! I’m exposing traitors! This is free speech!

Act 4: 86'd

The manager is now standing with two other crew members. Everyone has stopped to watch the trainwreck. Karen is still recording everyone around her and talking louder.

KAREN

You're all getting posted! Traitors!

MANAGER

You’ve been asked multiple times. You’re done. You need to leave the store.

KAREN

You can’t kick me out! I’m a paying customer!

CREW MEMBER

You didn't even grab a cart or any items yet.

MANAGER

You’re permanently banned from this location. Please don't make me call the cops…

KAREN

Banned?! Call the police?! For telling the truth?! This is Traitor Joe's protecting traitors! I’m calling the news!

Karen keeps filming as two crew members walk her toward the exit. She knocks over a display of trail mix on the way. Outside she turns back toward the door.

KAREN

You’ll all be sorry when this video gets a million views! Traitors! Every single one of you! This is an outrage!

The automatic doors close. Inside, the mom from the frozen aisle is already checking out. The sample guy shrugs at the manager. Karen is still yelling on the sidewalk as people walk past her into the store.