Act 1: A Perfectly Ordinary Morning
Somewhere overlapping your kitchen, a family of 7th-dimensional Archons are eating breakfast. They're a regular wholesome 1950s sitcom TV family: mom, dad, son, daughter.
REGINALD
Well, guys, (opens newspaper) another glorious day to appreciate the simple joys of existence! Pass the toast, Junior?
Mom stops washing the pot, looks at Reginald and smiles.
VERA
Oh, Reggie, you’re such a dear. (washes pot) Isn’t humanity just the sweetest little experiment ever?
JUNIOR
Golly, Mom, I sure do love how hard they try! Makes a fella real proud.
A family walks by and waves at the mom who's looking out the window from the sink in the kitchen. She stops washing her pot to wave back. The moment the humans look away, the wholesome smiles vanish.
REGINALD
Look at them scurry. So earnest. So juicy.
VERA
Darling, the morning traffic alone is already steaming with loosh.
JUNIOR
Fear of being late, people cutting people off, flipping the bird… pure nectar.
PIXIE
(lizard-licking her lips) Mmm, loosh. My favorite.
Act 2: Nothing to See Here
The family strolls through a crowded city street in full Leave-It-to-Beaver mode, waving politely. Invisible golden-red vapor rises from every stressed human and funnels upward into the smiling 7th-dimensional collectors. Whenever a back is turned, the Archons’ faces snap to predatory delight.
REGINALD
Tough day, friend? Hang in there! You’ve got this!
The businessman turns away. Reginald’s expression flips to nasty.
REGINALD
(hisses) …and we’ve got you.
A mother and her kid are arguing. Vera leans in.
VERA
Oh honey, parenting is such a journey. You’re doing so amazing.
The mother’s back turns. Vera’s smile stretches wide.
VERA
Keep that anxiety ssimmering… it's a perfect medium-rare. (licks chops)
Junior notices a kid frustrated with his device.
JUNIOR
(sarcastic) Wow, what a cool generation! So connected!
PIXIE
(sinister smile) Connected straight to the extraction grid. (adorably cute) Tee-hee!
Act 3: The Great Office Outage
Late afternoon. The family has secretly arranged a city-wide “routine maintenance” on the office building’s internet. Humans pace, refresh screens, and mutter. Golden loosh steam rises in thick, happy plumes. The Archons stand in the lobby, smiling like helpful neighbors.
REGINALD
Terrible luck with the Wi-Fi today, isn’t it? Hang in there. Technology can be so unpredictable!
A manager starts shouting at his IT guy. Reginald’s face flips instantly.
REGINALD
Unpredictable? My dear boy, I scheduled this outage myself. The collective frustration is already at my mercy.
VERA
Would anyone like a complimentary coffee? We’re all in this together!
Vera issues illusory pep-talks. The second backs turn, her eyes glow.
VERA
In the pressure cooker, yes. Keep refreshing that page, darling. Every failed login is but a little gift of loosh.
JUNIOR
I’ve got the backup plan ready, Dad. If they start cooling off, we introduce the “broken AC unit”.
PIXIE
(flutters) And I already got the printer to jam on the big report! (smiles cute) Golly, this is fun!
The printer across the lobby begins violently spitting paper. Humans groan in perfect unison. The loosh vapor thickens into a cheerful golden fog.
VERA
(cheeky) This is all going according to plan.
REGINALD
(enthusiastically) Perfect!
Act 4: Peak Harvest
The outage has now lasted three hours. Deadlines are missed, tempers are frayed, and one man is quietly crying into his cold coffee. The Archons stand together near the elevators, faces once again perfectly wholesome.
REGINALD
What a resilient bunch you all are! Truly inspiring. I’m certain the Wi-Fi will be back on at any moment.
The humans all roll their eyes and turn away. The family’s expressions snap to pure, delighted superiority.
REGINALD
Any moment… Junior, how are the numbers?
JUNIOR
Off the charts, Dad. The “reply-all” disaster alone produced a twelve-percent surge in our loosh stock. All this negative energy is gonna feed us forever… (looks) We’re going to need bigger tanks.
VERA
And the best part? Not a single one of them suspects a thing. They just keep saying “these things just happen.”
PIXIE
Cuz, I make them happen! Heheheh…
Reginald smiles goshly, pats Pixie on the head, slightly throws his head full happy-go-lucky smile. The elevators simultaneously ding and refuse to open. A fresh wave of golden steam billows upward. The family have sinister grins, then resumes their pleasant smiles and whistling to themselves just as a security walks by.
SECURITY
(stops) You got any idea why this whole office is going crazy?
REGINALD
(smirks) Internet's out.
The whole office is going nuts. Tons of commotion. A fire starts in one of the trash cans, but security doesn't notice.
REGINALD
We're just waiting for the elevators like everyone else.
SECURITY
You sure you don't know anything?
REGINALD
Nope, not a thing. Wish I could help.
SECURITY
Well, it sure would help if I could at least get some answers from anyone in this building at all. This is so frustrating.
SECURITY
(double takes) What?
REGINALD
(flips back) Oh, nothing. I just said hmm is all. Jee. This sure is a mind-bender. I really hope you figure it out. (big smile)
The guard nods and moves on. The second he's gone, the Archons exchange a slow, satisfied look.
