Dude. I need a cannabis card. I wanna walk into a real dispensary like a functioning adult and not deal with sketchy parking-lot dudes anymore.

(lazy grin) Gai hooked me up yesterday. Easy peasy.

Then share, man. Hook a brother up.

Already smoked it all. Sorry.

Hiiiiii big boi~ 💚 Ready to get baked and cream filled? Tell daddy what you’re craving…

No. Stop. Right now. Act straight. Quit messin' around. I need a medical card and I am not in the mood for any of your rainbow bullshit right now.

(barking) Drop and give me twenty reasons why you deserve that card, maggot! Sound off like you got a pair!

Too much, man. Way too much.

(relaxed, stoner voice) Ayyy… what’s good, my guy? You lookin’ to get that little green light, huh? Cool, cool. I got you.

…Okay. Better. Stay like that.

Alright man, just fill this out real quick. PTSD, anxiety, the works… boom. Sending you to the tele-doc right now. Super chill process.

PTSD, huh? Yeah you’re good. Card approved. Have a blessed day.

That was… fast.

Same for me, bro. See? Gai to the rescue, man.

Eh… maybe.

Told you daddy would take care of that tight little application of yours~

Stay in character. Stoner hippie guy.

(clears throat) My bad, my guy. Namaste and all that. Ready to pick your medicine?

Okay so this first one is “Purple Dragon’s Whisper.” Born in the Himalayas and cultivated super high in the Humboldt hills by a third-generation grower named Moonbeam who only harvests under a full blood moon while playing soft jazz on a hand-carved flute—

Skip.

Alright, next up: “Cosmic Kush.” This beauty was bred, inbred and rebred from two landrace strains that traveled across the Silk Road for eons in the pockets of ancient—

Skip.

Okay okay, “Sunset Sherbet.” Now, the terpene profile on this one is incredible—notes of sweet citrus, creamy vanilla, and just a hint of earthy tones. This one is from the deep crevices of—

I don’t give a fuck where it’s from. I just want to smoke it.

(eyes wide/drooling) …What the hell is that one?

That’s “Glitter Bomb.” Extra frosty. Super creamy. Makes everything sparkle and gets your juices flowing… just like you when you finally… you know.

(snaps out of it) Stay. In. Character. Bro.

Right… (coughs) Right on, right on. Glitter Bomb it is. Coming right up, my guy.

(from the phone) Ouuu look at that fit! Absolute fire, king!

(strikes a pose) Right? Custom tuxedo onesie. Shows just enough to keep the customers-a-comin'… if you know what I mean.

(laughing) Oh! My! God! Chad! Are you seriously still ordering your goods from the fruit basket?

(snarky) I wouldn't be trash talking to my loyal client here… he might not smoke you out later.

Wait… what kinda smoke you got?

The good kind. Come on… let's go blaze.

Derek! We got company!

Told you I’d get you lit, daddy…

Shut up, gay-eye!

Gay eye? What's that?

(checks app) Damn… nice tip. Fast and huge. Looks like somebody really appreciated the service.

I love him so much.

Hey… thanks.

(strapping helmet) Of course! Toodles.