Pentagon Shenans • Granite Panic | FUNNIES

Act 1: The Golden Trigger

Senator Bobby “Warhawk” Hawkins is in his cluttered Capitol office, feet up on the desk, scrolling on his phone while eating a burger and fries. The White House post appears: a large, ornate golden eagle mounted on the building with the caption “A Golden Gift to the White House for its 250th Birthday Year!” Warhawk’s eyes widen dramatically as he chokes on a malt shake, spitting it out all over his desk.

SENATOR HAWKINS

A golden eagle?! With only 11 stars?! This isn’t a gift — this is straight authoritarian cosplay! It looks just like the old Nazi Reichsadler! They’re normalizing fascism right on the people’s house! I am not standing for this mess!

Bobby immediately stands up and drops his malt. The malt splatters on the floor.

SENATOR HAWKINS

This is how it starts! First the eagle, then the marble columns, then boom… the entire empire falls!

Warhawk steps into the spilled malt as he dramatically clears his desk with a sweeping arm, looking at his phone, he fires up a tweet while pacing like a caged tiger. Papers flying everywhere.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(muttering/typing) “Golden Grift at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue… 11 stars for the 11 Confederate states… wake up America! This is tyranny! This is fascism!”

Act 2: The Editor Enters the Ring

A sharp, no-nonsense news editor sees the post and replies. Warhawk’s phone dings. He grins like a shark smelling blood and leans in as he reads the reply.

NEWS EDITOR

It’s a birthday gift to the White House. Not every eagle is a conspiracy. And “gifts” don’t usually come with a taxpayer invoice attached.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(tweets back) Oh please! Nothing this administration gives us is free! Look at that fancy new black granite Colonnade walkway they just dropped $700K on with excessive use of taxpayer money! That’s not a gift… that’s a bold-faced grift!

Warhawk leans back in his chair, smirking, arms crossed.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(to himself) This is gonna get me on all the evening segments. “Warhawk exposes the golden grift!” I can see it now.

Expressing a satisfied demeanor, he laces his hands behind his head as he leans back and exhales.

Act 3: Flying Facts

The editor replies fast. Bobby's phone dings. He picks it up and his smug grin slowly melts as he reads, his face is now flushing red.

NEWS EDITOR

That eagle image is AI-generated. And the Colonnade? Routine maintenance paid from existing NPS budgets. Pennies per taxpayer. Not a surprise raid on your wallet.

Bobby starts full-on raging as he replies.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(starting to sweat) You’re missing the entire point here! This is how they distract us while the deep state takes over the Republic! What about this is fascism don't you understand, Nazi boy?

Warhawk stands up and starts pacing the office, loosening his tie, gesturing wildly at his own shadow on the wall as if debating an invisible opponent.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(muttering) AI eagle and NPS budgets my ass! They’re all in on this…

Act 4: Crash Course

The editor keeps coming in hot on Hawkins. His phone dings again. Warhawk’s face is now bright red and steaming as he reads the reply.

NEWS EDITOR

If you’ve never paid a national park entry fee, then your selective outrage is pure performance. You’re embarrassing yourself, man. Just hang up your hat already, you've been served, my good sir.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(full volume) Ahh! This is tyranny! I'm gonna show this dumbass just how stupid he really is! (tweets) Can't you see the level of fascism here, you idiot!? You and your tiny little insignificant following are the real threat to freedom and democracy!

Hawkins yells in his office. He knocks over a Capitol building model that's sitting on his shelf out of pure frustration. People walking by glance into his office as they pass his doorway. He scurries to straighten his office up and closes the door.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(door slams) This idiot is so stupid!

Act 5: Total Nuclear Meltdown

The senator's phone dings and he completely loses it.

SENATOR HAWKINS

Already?! I just now sent my tweet! How is he tweeting back so fast?

Hawkins opens his phone to read the reply.

NEWS EDITOR

The real threat to freedom? You’re the one crying about it while swimming in misinformation and selective outrage. Are you kidding me? “Idiot” fits you perfectly. I'm so glad you chose that word.

Hawkins throws an entire tantrum as he angrily types his reply.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(tweets) You and your 9 followers can go f*ck yourselves!!!

Hawkins slams his phone down.

SENATOR HAWKINS

I'm gonna find out who he is… and when I do, him and his family are ruined! Man, f*ck this!

He immediately picks his phone back up, blocks the editor, then chucks his phone across the room and it smashes against the wall. He drops to his knees sobbing into his hands. His Chief of Staff walks in sipping coffee and staring in disbelief.

Act 5: The Aftermath

CHIEF OF STAFF

I heard all the commotion. Are you okay?

Chief of Staff lifts his pinky up as he takes another sip behind his slight grin and cocked eyebrow.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(stands up, shakes it off) It's just some ignorant troll. It's nothing…

CHIEF OF STAFF

Nothing? It sounded like World War 3 up in here, Bobby. I know you get worked up when you tweet, but you need to lower your voice in here. The walls aren’t that thick. Staff and reporters are starting to notice. Maybe it's time for you to put the phone down?

SENATOR HAWKINS

(looks sharply) Put my phone down!? This is my livelyhood!

CHIEF OF STAFF

Not when you're tweeting from that burner account.

SENATOR HAWKINS

Burner account? What burner account?

CHIEF OF STAFF

Lie to somebody else, Bobby.

Chief of Staff rolls his eyes as he shakes his head. He walks out and closes the door behind him. Bobby looks at his smashed phone.

SENATOR HAWKINS

(sighs) Looks like I need to drum up some more taxpayer donations.