Act 1: Damage Control
The next day. School's out. Lucifer walks slumped with a tiny dark cloud over his head. Warren trots aside, still nervous from their gaming fallout with Brad's brother. Brad smirks as he watches them through the window. Brad's bus pulls away. Warren is checking emails on his phone.
WARREN
Dude… your account is still banned. My mom almost found out when the noti said “permanent suspension.”
LUCIFER
(grumbling) Ahh. That mortal streamer will pay. But first… I must restore my dignity. Come, minion. I know of a place.
WARREN
A place? Like… the park?
LUCIFER
(smirking) Even better. One of my many throne rooms. Where the veil is thin and the air smells of forgotten ancient power… and dust bunnies.
LUCIFER
(laughs) By design…
They cut through a yard and hop over a chain-link fence into an overgrown lot and see a sculpture with graffiti tagged on it. Warren stares at it wide-eyed as they slowly pass. They arrive at an old abandoned two-story house leaning at a weird angle. Broken windows, more graffiti, a lockbox on the door handle, and a “CONDEMNED” sign posted on the boarded window of the front door.
Act 2: Welcome to the Gross House
Lucifer pops the lockbox.
WARREN
How'd you do that?
LUCIFER
I know the realtor.
WARREN
Realtor? This place is condemned!
Lucifer walks in. Warren follows closely. Inside, the air is thick, damp, and smells like wet cardboard, old pizza boxes, and something dead. Cobwebs hang like party streamers. A half-eaten raccoon carcass sits in the corner. Warren freezes in the doorway, eyes huge.
WARREN
(whispering) Luce… this place is gross. Like, really gross… Is there something moving in the corner over there? I can't see anything. It's so dark in here.
LUCIFER
(waving dismissively) Pay that no mind. Everything is fine. I can see just fine. (looks around) The darkness is my ally.
The scene shifts to Lucifer’s vision: the world turns deep red and black. Transparent, glowing spirits float through the walls—some look like floating heads, some like kids in old clothes. They point, wiggle, and giggle at Warren.
LUCIFER
Ah… my court has assembled. Perfect.
Warren steps carefully over a moldy mattress and freezes. A human skull sits on a milk crate next to the mattress.
WARREN
(screaming) Ahh! A skull?!
LUCIFER
(spins around sharply) Silence, finite mortal…
Warren stops. Everything goes deathly silent. Warren's eyes are darting in fear.
LUCIFER
The realtor said we can be here, but we just can't get caught. You've seen the skulls.
WARREN
(deer in headlights) The skulls?… As in… plural?… Finite?… What does that even mean?!
Act 3: The Mockings
Lucifer’s red-and-black vision shows three small translucent spirits dancing around, sticking their tongues out and making faces right in front of Warren's face. Warren just stands there looking confused and scared.
LUCIFER
(suddenly) Haha-hahahaha!
Warren is frightened by the laughter and quickly looks around.
LUCIFER
(bursting out laughing) They’re roasting you and you can’t even see it!
WARREN
Can't even see it? What are you talking about?
LUCIFER
(pointing at nothing) Them! The little ones. They’re calling you names and it’s hilarious.
One spirit blows a raspberry that only Lucifer can hear. Lucifer doubles over laughing. Warren looks around wildly, arms up like he’s ready to fight the air.
WARREN
This isn’t funny! I want to go home!
LUCIFER
(wiping a tear) Oh, calm down, minion. They mean you no harm…
WARREN
You don't know that.
One spirit suddenly appears and does a slit-throat motion.
LUCIFER
At least, not yet.
Act 4: The Ritual of Redemption
Lucifer walks into a backroom. He climbs and stands on top of an extended recliner. He raises both hands. The spirits gather closer, still snickering at Warren.
LUCIFER
Spirits of this foul domain! Hear your Dark Lord! Grant me power to humble the streamer known as Lynx and wipe away my shame!
The spirits pause… then one of them floats over and gently places a dusty old Burger King crown on Lucifer’s head. Another drops an unopened bag of Takis into Warren’s hands. A third just shrugs and starts breakdancing in the air.
WARREN
(holding the Takis) Takis? Yuck. I only like Doritos. Can I get an exchange?
LUCIFER
(adjusting the crown proudly) An exchange? You get what you get.
Suddenly a floorboard gives way under Warren’s foot. He yelps and sinks up to his knee in rotten wood and mystery sludge.
WARREN
Ahh! It’s wet!… It’s cold!… It’s moving!
LUCIFER
(still on the throne) Silence! These malevolent spirits are merely testing your loyalty. Stand still.
Act 5: Uninvited Guest
Outside, Brad just so happens to ride by on his bike right after getting off the bus. He hears Warren yelping and recognizes their voices.
BRAD
(to himself) Of course. Of course they’re in an abandoned house. Why wouldn’t they be?
Brad peeks through a slit in the window. Lucifer is dramatically pointing as he is adjusting his Burger King crown and Warren is still stuck in the sludge.
BRAD
(under his breath) What the hell?
The spirits look over at Brad and zoom toward him.
LUCIFER
(startled, crown tilting again) The profane! Brad the betrayer is spying again! Spirits—attack!
The spirits try, but can't leave the house.
LUCIFER
…Okay, maybe not attack. Just… mock him really hard. Warren, give him the evil eye.
BRAD
Nope. I’m going home. I do not have the patience to be dealing with you two losers. Not after what you got me into already.
Act 6: Exit Strategy
Warren finally yanks his leg free of the sludge with a wet suction sound. He tosses the Takis bag into the mystery sludge. Lucifer keeps the paper crown on as they scramble out the back window. Brad is already on his bike, filming them on his phone.
BRAD
I'm showing Miss Grace… (chuckles)
WARREN
We’re never coming back here again, right?
Lucifer adjusts his Burger King crown as they scurry off.
LUCIFER
No, not here. This was just phase one. The underworld has spoken. Tomorrow… we take the school.
Lucifer dusts himself off as he trudges.
