(mouth full) Sufferin Psychic Hotline. Earl the amazing at your service. What’s your damage?

I think my house is haunted. I keep seeing shadows and hearing footsteps around the house. Do you sense any ghosts?

Ghosts? No. But, I do have a story for you.

A story?

Yeah, kid. A story.

(losing his shit) One time… I swear I saw a ghost! 3 a.m., I’m half-asleep on the couch, and there it is… standing by the fridge just staring. I immediately jumped up and just stood there. Then suddenly, I sharted myself. I looked back at the ghost and poof! It vanished. I will never forget that moment. Fricken traumatized. Ever since then, I've never seen another ghost.

…You sharted on a ghost?

No, I sharted on myself and the ghost disappeared. I thought I was clear on that.

Waste of my fricken time.

Sufferin Psychic Hotline. Tellin it like it is… Hit me.

Okay, real question… should I quit my dead-end job and start a business?

(no hesitation) Yeah, do it… Worst case, you fail and learn something. Sitting around waiting for life to hand you a winning lottery ticket is for suckers. Take the shot, kid.

Hmm… the Magic 8-Ball says “Outlook not so good.”

Bro… are you fricken serious right now? You’re paying me three bucks a minute and you’re gonna quote some stupid piece of plastic to me? That thing’s been wrong since 72, kid. I’m a pro… A fricken psychic.

(laughing) Honestly? I’m just bored at home and jerking your chain.

Go touch grass!

(groans) Kids these days… Next!

Sweet mother of mercy… that one had some hair on it.

Jesus, what died in my colon and left that suicide note? (coughing & fanning) Damn it!

I'm coming, hold your horses!

Shit, alright!

(coughing) Sufferin Psychic Hotline. Make it quick, I got an emergency.

Hello dear, I was wondering… can you talk to my sweet Mr. Whiskers?

What the hell is a Mr. Whiskers? Are you talking about your cat?

Yes, my sweet boy. Can you send him any messages for me?

A dead cat… lady… I'm not sending messages to your dead cat. That's not what I do here.

What you do here? Well, what is it that you do?

You call, I tell you your fortune. That's how this goes. I don't reach out into the mystic and use it to talk to cats. Have you taken your medications today?

Look… maybe that came off a little too harsh. Buy yourself a new cat. Name him Mr. Milks.

Oh, now Mr. Milks. I like that.

See? You call me, that's what you get. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go open a window before I die from overexposure of toxic fumes.

(softly) …Thank you, dear.

Now, where was I?