(mouth full) Sufferin Psychic Hotline. I see all… except what you ate last night. What ails you?

Will I ever find true love? I keep dating losers.

(no effort) Nah. You keep picking guys who just use you for sex… You must be hot, huh?

What? Was it something I said? I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this thing. Good lord.

Sufferin Psychic Hotline. Still here, still broke. What's up?

I think my wife is cheating. Are you able to see into the mystic for anything about that?

(grunts) Yeah… I see it clear as day. She's banging the pool boy. Or the mailman. Or both. Probably both. You work long hours…

(mouth full) Am I right?

…Yeah. But, how you know I work long hours though? You must really be a psychic.

Because every married sucker who calls this line asking about a cheating wife always works long hours, you dope. It's the universal excuse for why the wife starts veering. (chuckles) You ain't special, pal. You're just a predictable sad sack of lump and she's looking for excitement.

When you're done sulking alone in your car cuz you're too scared to go in there and confront her, send her my way. I could use a little fun.

Another satisfied customer. Clock's still running. Who's next?

(mouth full) Sufferin Psychic Hotline. Make it quick, I gotta take a shit.

My son… he passed last year. I just want to know… is he okay? I mean, is he at peace?

I'm looking into my crystal ball. I'm seeing something. I'm seeing something. I'm seeing…

Is it my son? Can you see him?

Look, ma'am. I'm just pulling your chain here. I ain't gonna feed you some bullshit about seeing him in some meadow with deer and angels and all that, telling you he'll be alright. I don't know. I don't see no dead people. I don't see anything. And if I'm being quite honest, I don't even own a crystal ball.

But I can tell you this… You need to get over it. There's a whole life outside your son and his sudden passing. You need to get out there and experience it. You can't just sit around your house worrying about him in the afterlife. He probably died just to get away from you.

Why I'd never.

Hey, I'm not gonna sit here and bog you down with a bunch of false hope and sunshine. I'm gonna cut it to you straight.

(mouth full) It's what you're paying me for.

(soft) Well… thank you for not lying to me.

(another bite) Hey, I'm just doin' my job, ma'am. You shouldn't be such a smother, let the kid rest in peace for crying out loud.

Another day, another dollar…

Sufferin Psychic Hotline. What's your problem?