(mouth full) Sufferin Psychic Hotline. I see all… except my ex-wife. She's filed a restraining order. It's messy. Anyway, what's your deal?

I just won the lottery! Ten million bucks! Is this real? Am I gonna blow it all?

(leans back, burps) Uhg, tastes like pepperoni. Yeah, it's real. And yeah, you're gonna blow it all. You'll buy a Lambo, a house you can't afford, and a bunch of those stupid gold chains. I can see it now, you're going to trust the wrong cousin with the money. I predict that in less than three years from now, you'll be living at your mom's again, broke and crying into your own lap. Congrats, champ.

What?! That's exactly what my mom said would happen!

Your mom sounds smart, kid. Listen to her. Now, you gonna keep paying me to tell you what you already know, or you gonna hang up right now and hire yourself one of them fancy financial advisors?

Man, that's a great idea. Thanks, bro! You really helped!

Another day, another winner… Next.

Sufferin Psychic Hotline. What's got your panties in a knot?

Panties in a knot? Young man, I think I'm dying. Every ache, every pain… I’m convinced it's cancer. Am I gonna make it to this Christmas? I already bought the kids all these presents!

Lady, first off, it's March. And yeah, you're gonna make it. But it's not because you're healthy, it's because you're too damn stubborn to die. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that you outlived us all, kicking and screaming the whole way.

You know… my doctor said I need to lighten up too. Maybe you're right. Maybe I am over-reacting.

See? I don't have to be a psychic to know that. I'm just the one who's not gonna sugarcoat your pills. They're bitter, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Now, take your stubborn ass to go see those kids, you've got some spoiling to do, you old bag!

Haha. Goodness. This was definitely worth the 20 bucks. Have yourself a good day, hun. (disconnects)

Another one bites the dust. Or doesn't. Stubborn old bitch. Hahaha. Gotta love em.

Sufferin Psychic Hotline. Make it quick, my show starts in 10 minutes and I still gotta pinch a loaf.

Alright, look. I'm running for office. Can you see if I am going to win?

Oh… you'll win. But that scandal you're carrying into your campaign isn't gonna help.

…How did you know about the scandal?

How did I know? Are you an idiot? Wait, don't answer that, cuz most politicians usually are. Look, man… you're a politician, you have a scandal. It comes with the territory. It's only a matter of how long you can keep it quiet before it blows up right in your face and you're forced to walk back everything you've ever done. It's the way this works, and it's always been the way this works. Did you need something else? I really gotta run to the crapper to perform one hell of a shitty landing!

(distant) Bro, he even knew about the scandal! I am so fucked! How the fuck am I supposed to get elected and stay in office if this shit leaks? Oh my God. (forcefully disconnects)

(quiet, to himself) They keep calling… politicians, lotto winners, cooky old ladies… and I keep telling 'em the same damn thing. Quit being such an herb. This is the easiest gig I've ever had in my life. Oh well, time to drop the deuce. My show's about to start.

Sufferin Psychic Hotline. Make it quick.