Karen Crusade • Disneyworld Disaster | FUNNIES

Act 1: No More Minnie

Disneyworld Main Street, peak crowd time. Karen (classic Karen haircut, sunglasses on head, "Let Me Speak To The Manager" energy) marches up to the Mickey ears hat kiosk. Cashier smiles politely.

KAREN

I need two Minnie ears. One pink, one with the bow. For my niece and nephew. Make it quick.

CASHIER

I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all sold out of Minnie. We have Mickey, Pluto, Goofy—

Karen's face turns red. She slams her hand on the counter. Crowd starts staring.

KAREN

Sold out?! This is Disneyworld! You can't be sold out! How do you sell out of Minnie?! This is discrimination! I want to speak to your manager! NOW! Let's go!

CASHIER

I'm going…

Manager rushes over. Karen starts yelling louder. Phones come out to film her. Kids cry. Security in the distance starts walking toward her.

KAREN

This is unacceptable! My niece will be traumatized! You're ruining her entire… childhood!

She storms off without buying anything, shoving through the crowd. Manager sighs. Security arrives too late—she's already gone.

Act 2: The Wrong Drink

Karen darts all the way across the park and stops at a drink stand. Cashier (young, cheerful) smiles. Karen orders without looking at the menu.

KAREN

Large Yellow Mist. No ice. And hurry up… I'm in a rush.

CASHIER

Sorry. We only have Sprite, Coke Zero, Diet Sprite, or regular Diet Coke. Which one?

KAREN

(snaps) Ah! Sprite! I said Sprite… Are you deaf? Just ring it up!

CASHIER

You said Yellow Mist…

Cashier rings up a Sprite. Karen ignores him. She swipes card without looking.

CASHIER

Can you verify the name spelling on your card?

KAREN

K. A. R. E. N. D. I. M. E. R. S. C. H. A. W. I. T. Z.

CASHIER

Karen Der—scha—witz? or Dimer—schawitz?

KAREN

That's what I said! Stupid!

CASHIER

Okay. Wait… Which one?

KAREN

THE SECOND ONE! Stupid!

CASHIER

Sorry, I gotta ask. Company policy… (reluctantly shrugs)

KAREN

(winces and mocks snidely) Company policy… It's Derschawitz. Just get this over with!

CASHIER

(under breath) No, it's Dumb as shits.

KAREN

What?!

CASHIER

I said thanks for this. Do you want your receipt?

KAREN

No! Asshat.

Karen takes a half of a sip, spits it out, spraying soda all over the place, much to everyone's astonishment.

KAREN

This is Sprite! You gave me Sprite! I said, (pounds fist) Yellow… (pounds fist) Mist! Refund, soda boy! Let's go!

CASHIER

I clearly said that we don't have that and I kindly listed our available beverages, miss Karen. Do you want the money sent back to your card?

KAREN

My card? My card!? What kinda Mickey Mouse operation are you running here!!!?

Karen's stomping, clenching fists, still hurling insults. Crowd gathers. Security radios in. Karen sees them coming, grabs her drink, and bolts.

KAREN

(throws Sprite) You can keep your stupid Sprite! I'm leaving!

She power-walks away, security chasing, but loses her in the crowd. She darts all the way across the park again, this time to Magic Kingdom's Space Mountain.

Act 3: All Comes Crashing Down

Karen rides Space Mountain. Gets off, disheveled, hair strewn. Walks past the ride photo screen. Her photo shows her screaming, mouth wide, eyes bulging, hair flying. Photo salesman (smiley teen) approaches.

PHOTO SALESMAN

Ma'am, your photo came out great! Want to buy it? $19.99!

KAREN

Nineteen ninety nine? For that? Pffaht, that looks awful! No way I'm buying that. Are you kidding me? I look like I'm having a heart attack! No! Unh unh. Nope. I'm saving my money.

Crowd gathers, laughing at the photo on the big screen. Kids point and giggle.

PHOTO SALESMAN

It's hilarious! Everyone's loving it. Come on, it's a memory!

KID

Look, mommy! She looks like the ghost in the library on Ghostbusters.

PARENT

The one that screams at them in the library in the beginning of the movie?

KID

Yeah. She looks just like her… Shh. BWAH!!!

PARENT

C'mon, let's go get those Mickey Mouse ears you wanted.

Karen frumps over her purse after hearing that, reluctantly agrees, swipes her card. Salesman clicks the Point of Sale System.

PHOTO SALESMAN

The POS system is asking me to verify the name on your card.

KAREN

(digging through her purse) It's a POS alright…

PHOTO SALESMAN

Name…

KAREN

Karen Dimerschawitz. D-I-M-E-R-.

Kids bump into her. Karen snaps.

KAREN

Back up! Back your kid up! He's wiping his boogers on me!

PARENT

What!? He is not! Stop lying about my child!

KAREN

Maybe… if you controlled your putrid little misguided offspring, I wouldn't be having to clean boogers from my clothes in the bathroom as soon as I leave here!?

The wide-eyed mom snatches her son up from within Karen's vicinity. An even larger crowd laughs at her photo even louder this time as it's still looping on screen.

RANDOM GUY

OH! MY! GOD! DUDE! DID YOU SEE THAT LADY? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

The hallway erupts into a complete riot of laughter. Karen can't even breathe as she's holding her card to her chest and hovering over her purse like a Gremlin.

PHOTO SALESMAN

Ma'am… Name…? (shrugs)

Karen is overwhelmed and is getting dizzy.

KAREN

I… You… No… No… No! No! NO! NO! NO! I SAID NO! I'M NOT BUYING THIS (pounds fist) STUPID… (pounds fist) CRAP! What's your name? David? Named after Davie Crockett? Idn't… that… cute…? I WANNA SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER, DAVIE!

Karen lets a bloodcurdling scream and angrily knocks over a countertop display. Security hears and comes racing within view, he radios her in and approaches.

SECURITY

There you are. Ma'am, you're causing a disturbance and disrupting park activities. I'm gonna have to ask you to come with me.

KAREN

Come with you? I'm not going anywhere with you. Young man, give me my photos I purchased.

PHOTO SALESMAN

(puzzled shrug) You didn't actually buy anything. I kept asking you for your name and you threw a fit! Knocked over my display!

David picks the display up and straightens it. Karen slaps it over again and the display pieces shatter and fly everywhere, even towards innocent bystanders who can't stop staring at this dumpster fire of a train wreck.

SECURITY

Ma'am. Ma'am! You need to leave the premises!

KAREN

What!?

Karen flails her bag around dangerously.

KAREN

I spend good money here! You can't do this to me!

Karen swings her bag at security. Security cuffs her.

SECURITY

You are 86'd from the property. We'll be sharing your photo with all Disney parks. You're banned for life.

KAREN

For life? For what? I can't believe I'm banned from Disney?! This is outrageous! I'm boycotting Disney! STUPID MICKY MOUSE EARS! I'M SUING!

Karen kicks the Mickey Mouse ears off a kid and sees the Minnie Mouse ears on his sister. She grunts and reaches for the Minnie Mouse ears. Security stops her short and finishes cuffing her. He escorts her out. Crowd cheers. Karen is being dragged away, yelling over her shoulder. Fade out on her photo still looping on the big screen—mouth open, eyes wild, perfect crazy Karen face.