Warning: The stunts performed in this show are for entertainment purposes only and are filmed by untrained professionals. Don't try this at home.
Act 1: Sharty Boy
Busy downtown mall. Johnny Coxville struts out in cargo shorts and a buttoned down Hawaiian shirt, mic in hand, huge grin. Camera crew follows.
JOHNNY COXVILLE
Welcome to Wackass! I'm Johnny Coxville, and today we're pushin' our limits. First up: Panchos is Sharty Boy! He ate three dozen eggs, two dozen oysters, and a whole salmon this morning. His mission? Dance around like an idiot… then unleash the beast.
CHRIS PANCHOS
Dude, I ate so much shit fuel… when this hits, it's gonna be legendary. Watch their faces!
Chris (Adidas tear-away tracksuit) jogs up to a group of tourists, starts to dance—arms flailing, hips thrusting. He does the Running Man and stops. He makes eye contact with the tourists, and then grabs the crotch of his tear-away pants, and in one motion, he instantly rips them right off, revealing a black banana hammock with a g-string up the rear.
TOURIST KID
What is he doing?
Panchos does the Cabbage Patch, and then mid-dance, he freezes and side-eyes the tourists. A massive wet shart thunders and echos throughout the mall. Everyone stops to look. A split stream erupts out of the sides of his g-string and this sends the tourists screaming and scattering.
RANDOM TOURIST LADY
Oh. My. God! He shit himself. Call the police!
Chris takes off laughing hysterically, shit trail dropping as he runs.
CHRIS PANCHOS
Worth it. Best shart ever!
JOHNNY COXVILLE
Sharty Boy just baptized the mall. That's one small step for man… one giant dump for Wackass!
Act 2: The Streamer
Huge backyard skate ramp—50-foot halfpipe. Cram (wild hair, shit-eating grin) stands at the top, buck-naked, except for sneakers, holding a can of silly string.
JOHNNY COXVILLE
Next up: Cram's gonna drop in naked on this monster halfpipe… butt naked. The catch? It's missing 10 feet from the other side! His job? Shoot silly string out his ass mid-air like a streamer cannon. Except, we loaded him up with a can that's rigged to shoot 2 colors at the same time!
CRAM MARGERINE
(from a distance) This is gonna be awesome!
Cram drops in screaming, rockets up the other side—launches into the sky, fully nude. He grabs the skateboard with one hand and cannonballs. He twists mid-air, jams the silly string can between his cheeks and sprays wildly. Neon green and pink streamers shoot from his butt like a fireworks finale. He soars 30 feet, then plummets.
CRAM
(mid-flight) Woooo! Ass confetti, baby!
He crashes hard into the padding. Silly string everywhere, including his hair. Crew rushes over. Johnny laughs uncontrollably.
TEE-MAN
Dude! You just shat in flying colors!
JOHNNY COXVILLE
Well, folks… Cram just turned his butthole into an oversized party popper.
Stunt 3: Oldies Gone Wild
Public park on a Sunday. Ryan Bunn, Steve-E, Tee Man, and Weston Macy are dressed in old-people makeup—gray wigs, wrinkles, cardigans, walkers. They shuffle out looking innocent.
JOHNNY COXVILLE
Final stunt… Old Folks Gone Wild! These old coots are up to no good. Goal? (stern) Maximum shock value. Let's see how the normies react!
"Grandma" (Ryan) sits on a bench, lifts her skirt, and starts aggressively scratching her crotch. Families nearby gasp and shield their kids' eyes.
MOM
Ma'am! (whispers loudly) There are children here!
Ryan scratches more aggressively. "Grandpa" (Steve-E) pulls out a ridiculously oversized vape pen, takes a massive hit, let's out a huge cloud, and then blows smoke rings while yelling "Legalize it!" at people passing by. One jogger stops.
JOGGER
Aren't you like… 86? You're going to collapse a lung at your ripe old age.
Steve-E scoffs and blows a sharp raspberry with his pursed lips. Hits the vape again and blows it right in the jogger's face. The jogger coughs, fans the cloud away and continues his jog.
The four converge at a picnic table. Ryan starts doing body shots off Weston's belly, Tee-man is pop locking while standing on the park bench, and Steve-E busts out a piece of cardboard and starts breakdance-spinning on his head. A crowd forms—some film it, one guy calls security.
RANDOM PICNICKER
Somebody call the nursing home. These old farts are out of their minds.
Security approaches. The "old folks" rip off the wigs and makeup and reveal themselves. The crowd erupts.
JOHNNY COXVILLE
And the park is traumatized! That's a wrap on Wackass, folks. Thanks for watching. And remember… don't try this at home. (breaks character) We're legally required to say that.
Freeze frame on the four high-fiving amid chaos. Credits roll.
