Karen Crusade • Computer Catastrophe | FUNNIES

Act 1: Best Buy?

Karen, in a “Live Laugh Love” sweatshirt and oversized sunglasses, marches into Best Buy. She heads straight for the laptop display, snubbing the sales associate who approaches politely. She walks over to the associate desk instead.

KAREN

Excuse me! I need the absolute best laptop. 128 gigs of RAM, solid gold processor, and it better come with a built-in pride flag screensaver or I’m suing!

TREVOR

Uh… ma’am, 128 gigs is overkill for most users. Our top model has 32 gigs and—

KAREN

Are you calling me “most users”?! This is discrimination! I need this for my TikTok dance academy! (softens) I want the rainbow edition.

Karen spends 45 minutes arguing specs, demanding discounts “for emotional damages,” and making Trevor check the stockroom three times. She finally pays after threatening to call corporate. Trevor hands her the product.

TREVOR

Here’s your custom-spec’d laptop, ma’am. Have a nice day.

KAREN

It better work perfectly or I’m coming back with my lawyer and a camera crew…

She snatches the box and storms out, leaving Trevor staring at the ceiling and muttering to God.

Act 2: Tech Support Torture

Later that evening at home. Karen unboxes the laptop, sets it up, then immediately calls customer support on her landline.

KAREN

Hello?! Your stupid computer is already glitching! The screen is too bright and it’s oppressing my eyes! If I have to visit the optometrist just because your computer sucks, I'll be sending you the bill. And it's not gonna be pretty.

REP 1

Ma’am, have you tried adjusting the brightness in settings?

KAREN

Don’t tell me what to do! You people are all the same! Lazy and incompetent! I demand a supervisor right now!

Rep hangs up. Karen hears the dialtone. She looks at her phone and rapidly taps the cradle's button to disconnect as she screams. She redials on her rotator immediately.

KAREN

Yes… Hey! Your rep hung up on me! This is a hate crime! Put me through to your boss!

REP 2

I can transfer you to a supervisor, but first let’s—

KAREN

Now!

Act 3: Escalation Station

Supervisor Mike picks up. Karen has one hand upsidedown on her hip.

SUPERVISOR MIKE

Hello, this is Mike. How can I help you today?

KAREN

Your company is trash! This laptop hates America, it’s too woke… and also not woke enough! I want a full refund and a new one flown in by private jet!

SUPERVISOR MIKE

Ma’am, let’s focus on the issue with your current device… my rep tells me it's glitching?

KAREN

Glitching? Really? That's what you have to say to me after everything I said? Way to disregard my feelings! I demand your supervisor’s supervisor! This goes all the way to the top or I’m boycotting everything!

SUPERVISOR MIKE

I’m the highest level available right now. How about we troubleshoot the brightness?

KAREN

This is outrageous! Your company supports (scrambles) eh, pineapple on pizza!… bad WiFi in red states, and probably chemtrails too! I’m a victim!

SUPERVISOR MIKE

Ma'am, I—

KAREN

Don't you ma'am me! I am a citizen of this country! I voted for Bernie! He would never stand for this!

Act 4: Off the Rails

Mike’s open office. Coworkers are staring in disbelief as the call hits 47 minutes. Mike is sweating, his face showing dread.

KAREN

This is tyranny!

SUPERVISOR MIKE

I'm just trying to help. Let’s get back to your laptop—

STAFF

Mike, we need you in the meeting room.

Feeling pressured, Mike covers the mouthpiece and whispers to his team.

SUPERVISOR MIKE

(whispering) I’m trying, guys. I literally can’t hang up. Corporate policy.

Hand out, his team member shrugs at Mike while shaking his head.

COWORKER

(mouths and shrugs at Mike) What the…?

Karen is still ranting on the other end. Mike juggles notes, the call, and his frantic team.

KAREN

Are you even listening?!

SUPERVISOR MIKE

(to Karen) Yes ma’am, I— (to staff, accidentally aloud) No, I can’t put her on hold—

KAREN

You can’t put me on hold?! That’s it! I’ve had enough!

Karen violently slams the landline receiver down. The phone makes a loud *DING* from the impact.

SUPERVISOR MIKE

(wincing at the sound) …Well. She gone.

Mike slowly places the phone down, deeply exhales, shakes his head, and walks toward the meeting room like a war veteran.

Act 5: Cozy Karen Time

Back at home. Karen, now in a bright pink onesie with “Queen of Pristine” written on it, sinks into her oversized double-stuffed couch with a fluffy fuzzy blanket. She flips on the TV. She eyes her coffee mug that reads: WWJD.

TV NARRATOR

Next on Pretentious Housewives… “Who Stole My Sparkling Water?!”

On screen, two housewives start screaming and flipping a table. Karen sighs contentedly and snuggles deeper.

KAREN

(to herself) Finally… some peace and quiet.

Fade out on Karen happily watching the chaos, completely unaware of the irony.