Karen Crusade • Christmas Shopping | FUNNIES

Act 1: Starbucks of Sin

A bleach-blonde Karen in a “Live Laugh Love” sweatshirt and oversized sunglasses storms into the mall Starbucks clutching her iPhone like it’s evidence.

KAREN

EXCUSE ME! Manager! MANAGER RIGHT NOW!

BARISTA JAYDEN (dead inside)

I'm the shift leader. How can I—

KAREN

It’s December FIRST and I see ZERO Christmas cups with the gay little rainbow reindeer! This is a hate crime against the LGBTQ!

JAYDEN

Well… we have the regular red holiday cups with polar bears. Corporate decides the designs, not me.

KAREN

So Starbucks HATES gay people now?! I’m recording this for TikTok!

JAYDEN

We literally have a Pride drink on the secret menu and half the staff is queer here, Karen.

KAREN

Don’t you “Karen” me, Jayden-from-the-nametag! I want a Christmas cup that supports LGBTQ Christmas—the gays deserve better than this! You’re oppressing me!

JAYDEN

Ma’am, I don’t design the cups. I just make the drinks. Would you like a Pride drink from the secret menu or…

KAREN

I want to speak to someone who isn’t triggered by what I'm saying! This is why I voted!

JAYDEN

I'm just trying to help.

KAREN

No you're not! I'm incredibly offended! This is an outrage!

JAYDEN

Look, is there something you'd like to order? If not, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

KAREN

I don't want anything from this propaganda factory! Don't worry, I'm leaving…

Karen slaps a “Coexist” sticker on the pastry case and storms out.

Act 2: Build-A-Bear Apocalypse

Two minutes later. Karen power-walks into Build-A-Bear Workshop, eyes scanning like Terminator.

KAREN

Young man! Why is there not a single “Pride Bear” in this store?!

TEEN EMPLOYEE SKYLER (16, terrified)

Uh… we just sell what corporate sends us.

KAREN

So you’re teaching children that being gay is bad?! My trans son Brayden could be turned straight by this bear!

Karen grabs a regular brown bear off the shelf and yells.

KAREN

You will NOT indoctrinate children on my watch!

She starts ripping the hearts out of the stuffing station and throwing them like grenades.

SKYLER

Ma’am please stop—those are $8 each—

KAREN

I’m saving Christmas! Someone call MSNBC!

Karen knocks over the entire “Choose Me” bin. Bears avalanche. Parents are shielding their kids’ eyes like it’s a drive-by.

MOM

That’s it, we’re going to the Lego store, sweetie.

Two mall cops (Paul Blart energy) roll up on Segways.

MALL COP RICO

Ma’am, you need to leave the premises.

KAREN

This is assault! I have a medical condition—I get hysterical when things aren’t inclusive enough!

Rico and his partner each grab an arm. Karen goes full exorcism, kicking stuffed animals everywhere.

KAREN

You’re canceling Christmas! I’ll see you all in court!

They drag her out past the food court. A random teenager films vertically and narrates “Karen vs. the establishment round two, she brought receipts this time.”

SKYLER (whispering to coworker)

Bro, I’m bi, she just threw my entire personality to the wolves.