Carni Doody • Cheater Lobby | FUNNIES

Act 1: Pre-Match

Dark bedroom, RGB lights everywhere. Tyler "T-Dawg" (sweaty, headset, energy drink cans, screen glaring) loads into Carni Doody lobby. He slides his mic down.

T-DAWG

Yo, any y'all whack ass aimbottom b*tches in here tonight? If so, I'm reporting y'all mfs. You can get clapped on, punks.

RANDOM LOBBY GUY (text chat)

lol relax kid

T-DAWG

Kid? Nah. I got big nuts. You're fidna find out when I tea bag them on you.

Act 2: The Escalation

Game loads. Countdown. T-Dawg sprinting, ADS, gets wrecked. Screen shows kill-cam.

T-DAWG

Oh my God…

Kill-cam: Enemy bunny-hops sideways at Mach 5, headshots T-Dawg mid-slide.

T-DAWG

B*tch… get the f*ck out of here.

T-Dawg behind cover, pulls out his knife. Cheater runs by.

T-DAWG

Revenge is sweet.

T-Dawg backstabs him. He immediately starts teabagging.

T-DAWG

Eat it, cheater.

T-Dawg shoots a clip into his body.

T-DAWG

Die again, cheater!

Bullet comes straight through concrete wall and hits T-Dawg, no line of sight.

T-DAWG

OH COME ON! Shot through the wall?! Oh. He just magically knew I was there… Now, ain't that special?

T-Dawg hears footsteps. He stops and puts his back up against the wall. The footsteps get closer. He whips around the corner and grabs the guy, holds him hostage, and aims the gun. He gets a triple kill on the guys rushing at him with his full auto pistol.

T-DAWG

Yeuh, boy. You thought I was a b*tch, huh?

T-Dawg snaps his hostage's neck. He turns around to get the next kill, but gets flashbanged and instantly one-tapped.

T-DAWG

Oh, bullshit! Are you kidding me? The invisible man?! Where even was he?

Enemy runs full sprint to the left, then moon-jumps backward mid-air while lasering T-Dawg with a perfect headshot.

T-DAWG

Oh… with the magic aim. And moon jumping backwards… What is this? A Michael Jackson music video? Alright, "Smooth Criminal".

Act 3: Match Meltdown

Post-game lobby: T-Dawg reports the top player "xX_AimGod69_Xx" for 111 kills, 7 deaths.

T-DAWG

Hey "Aim God", what's that like to live with all that little d*ck energy? Never in my life could I imagine having to cheat at Call of Duty to feel good about myself. Are you f*cking kidding me?

AIMGOD

…Man, it's just a game. Git gud. Wah, wah. Cry harder, b*tch.

T-DAWG

Don't gaslight me, you noob. You're not convincing me that you didn't just cheat at the game. I've been at this s*it for over 18 years. I know what cheating looks like.

AIMGOD

Report me then. You're just trash, goon. Stay mad, p*ssy.

T-DAWG

Oh… I'm "just trash"? Yeah?… Well, let me know what that's like when you lose your account, you herb. Hahaha, noob.

Meanwhile — Carni Doody HQ: two devs in hoodies hovering over a monitor showing T-Dawg's cheater report. Another dev walks up.

DEV 1

Yo, T-Dawg just dropped another MOAB. This time he caught AimGod—full moon-jump, clip and everything.

DEV 2

How do you know?

DEV 1

Tiffany's watching his stream.

DEV 3

Sick.

Notification: "We've taken action against the player reported."

T-DAWG

See, chat? I told y'all. Look at him now.

T-Dawg leans back and laughs.