Another beautiful day in the human experiment, my excellent family! Remember the quarterly target: keep the baseline anxiety elevated but sustainable. No early harvests. We want them productive enough to keep suffering throughout tomorrow, too.

Of course, hun. I’ll be on the switchboard all morning. Nothing quite like a perfectly polite administrative assistant who just… can’t seem to transfer anyone correctly that really gets them going on the other end, dear.

Oh, I agree

And we’ll be at school. My lunch table’s already seeded with last week’s rumor and sprouting. Recess should be delicious. I can't wait to have my first scoop of that good old anxiety cream.

(impeccably adorable smile) I brought extra stickers. The kind that fall off halfway through the day. Tee-hee. I'm certain they'll mourn over those.

Ahh, I can smell the sweet aroma of freshly baked sorrow already.

(bright/excited) Mmm, tasty!

(into phone, warm/professional) Absolutely, the property is still available… oh wait… I’m so sorry. Looks like it just went under contract about… five minutes ago… tragic timing, really.

Shall I put you on the waitlist for the next one? Or should I just look around for another one?

Yes, that is basically starting from scratch again. But, the good thing is that we already know what you want. Well, that is… unless there's anything else that you'd like for me to add to the list of features that you're looking for in a place. Oh, yeah. Uh huh. Oh, sure… What else? Yeah? Oh, that sounds great. Oh, yeah, yeah… yeah. Of course. No, keep going. I'm jotting this all down.

(scoffing) Oh, sure. Oh, yeah. Yeah! Okay! Anything else? Okay, well… consider it done. Oh, yeah. Of course. I'll find the perfect place for you in no time. Uh huh. Alright. Well… I'll perform another search with all of your criteria involved this time and see what all I can (clears throat) dig up for you. Okay… alright. Ah—bye bye.

(softly) That’s three deals “almost closed” before lunch. The collective hope-to-crush ratio is looking excellent. I can't wait to tell Vera.

(bright) Good morning, thank you for calling! One moment while I try that extension again… oh dear, it seems to be ringing busy. Have you tried emailing? Sometimes that works better.

(licking her lips) They’re starting to believe the system is just naturally broken. Beautiful.

Tough morning, huh? Hang in there.

We’re all in this together!

(loud enough for his group) Wow, did you guys hear what someone said about the group project? Crazy, right? I mean, I’d never say something like that… but someone definitely did. Just outrageous.

(sinisterly) Social hierarchy recalibration complete. Fear of exclusion is running hot today.

(sweet as pie) Your drawing is so pretty! Can I see? …Oops!

Oh no… I’m so sorry. Maybe you can start over?

Wait!

I got small tears with big loosh. The little ones recharge so surprisingly fast.

Dad says consistency beats intensity. Keep them just frustrated enough to never quite figure out why everything feels slightly off.

(surprised) Hi, kids.

(cheerful) What a productive day, everyone! Just look at all this loosh. The real estate side is humming. How were the phones, honey?

Wonderful, dear. I introduced three new “temporary system glitches” and one completely fictional company policy.

Haha!

They’ll be citing it as gospel by Friday.

What about you, squirt?

School’s running a solid surplus. Two friend groups fractured, one kid is convinced that the teacher hates him for no reason, and the rumor about the group project is already self-sustaining.

Excellent.

And you?

(giggling) The stickers I brought to school worked perfectly. Half the class is low-key devastated and doesn’t even know why.

Man, the copier is acting up again. Wait, why are there kids in here?

(smirks, tilts, one eyes) Bring your kid to work day.

Oh.

(soft, satisfied) Look at them. Still blaming the coincidences… never the pattern.

Because the pattern is us.

Well, that… and we are very good at making everything look like it's not our faults.

Of course!

Best family business in the seventh dimension.